Just tired of it all....

No, I haven't been posting the past few days. Even my therapist got upset at me because I've not been writing.

When you're in a funk, you can't write. You can't do anything but sit and spin your wheels which just causes more frustration over how you're not going anywhere in your life.

I can end up waiting up to six months for someone to do something about my ERO/EEOC claim because that's the law. Even though I now can't work doing the job I had because some idiot decided he wanted to make the rules instead of following the law, I have to wait for the legal process to take its course.

I've applied for so many jobs in the local area I've completely lost count. And have I heard anything back? Nope. Or when I go somewhere thinking I might like to apply and I can already see in their faces the fact that they're not thrilled over my 86-pound constant companion, I don't bother. Besides, I'd rather have her with me everyday than the crap that can happen at most places.

Got news about a family member who's going through some tough times. I want to be able to help and give support but I also don't want to be intrusive. I remember when I was in a somewhat similar situation and the last thing I wanted was pity from anyone and I usually got a lot of unsolicited advice that didn't do me much good. I don't want to be one of those kinds of people.

One of my friends was to get married tomorrow and her fiancé left her today. She and her young daughter who had opened their home and lives to him and his excuse is because his biological son is afraid of having to make new friends when he moves. What a jerk.

I'm trying to help celebrate Youngest Son's upcoming birthday. I went to the movies with Husband, Youngest Son, and four of his friends. They had a great time and I was really glad they could go. I just feel like I wish we could have done more.

Husband and Youngest Son are currently in the basement doing laundry and playing a computer game. I sincerely appreciate that they're doing the laundry because that means I don't have to do it and I don't have to go outside to get to the basement. It's not a "finished" basement like many people have. It has a floor and walls, but there's no way to access it from inside the house. And with the heat the way it is, I'm not in the mood to go outside much.

And, yes, Depressive is trying to get me to post but I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired that it's just been easier to do nothing and sleep instead of trying to come up with something to write and crying while I feel awful.

Maybe I'll get back on a schedule. Maybe I'll stop writing completely. I've already told my therapist that I'm not writing anymore at the moment about my past because I'm getting to big areas that I don't really remember. There are a lot of blank spaces in my memory -- some last days, some last years -- and whatever is hidden inside them I do not want to bring back to the surface. It wouldn't be healing; it would be reopening the wounds that my brain has found a way to deal with that doesn't cause me any additional damage. I remember trying to deal with them and it didn't work then. Time does not heal all wounds.

Watching and waiting

I've been cruising the Facebook pages of some of my friends from where I used to work and it seems like the majority of them have been complaining about the new process to reapply for their jobs. Supposedly it's taking them a long, long time to get through all of the screens of questions they have to answer. Some are also complaining about the difficulty in uploading documents that are required for reapplication. Many are complaining about how the salaries for what they've been doing for so many years is much, much less than they would consider working for today but they're glad their salaries will be grandfathered in when the transition is over.

Me? I'm still waiting to hear about my formal ERO complaint. Still very upset over what happened and that the person who violated my right to work and discriminated against me had the gall to admit it to an ERO counselor. And I've filed complaints with the Department of Justice and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Just trying to cover all of my bases.

But, time will tell. Sooner or later they have to acknowledge the filing of the complaint and they have to do something about it. The ball is in their court now. I'm just going to wait and see if they're going to do the right thing.

Stupid flippin' migraines in my stupid flippin' head again

Gah!!! This is driving me crazy!!! But, I'm still posting tonight!!!

I know there's nothing wrong 'cause I just had an MRI a little over a month ago and just the brain is up there like it's supposed to be. But all weekend I've been having migraines & thought I'd finally kicked it.

Nope. Tonight just after I watched a show I wanted to see on television the stupid headache came right back.

Another night with ice on my head. And a washcloth on my eyes 'cause they're hurting too. Maybe I should just ask the rest of the body to start adding their aches and pains to the pile tonight. Get it all over with in one shot.

Missed yesterday

Yes, the streak has been broken. I did not post anything yesterday. My head decided that a migraine would be much more fun than being able to spend time with my family and kept me in bed all day. Since I don't type well (or coherently) when my head is screaming at me, I took the day to rest.

I'm not proud or anything like that. Actually, it's been driving me crazy that I didn't post. But, I decided to do something for myself and try to get better.

Would have worked, too, if a large weather front hadn't moved into our area and dumped a big storm on us. My poor American flag that hangs on the front of the house was targeted by the wild winds and shoved to the ground before I could get to it. Fortunately, Youngest Son went out during a lull in the wind and rain and retrieved it for me. Now I've gotta fix (or replace) the bracket on the front of the house. And my poor flowers that I planted earlier this spring but could never remember what they were until they bloomed and I sent pictures to friends have been beaten-down as well. No major storm damages here. Not even minor storm damages here. But we'll just say that flags, flowers, shovels, rakes, and other items left in the yard were fair game for the wind and bits of hail.

And my headache is back again. I saw a thing today that said the "migraine rating" was going to be low. Not sure how they figure that but it's obviously not getting feeds from my head. Time for more ice and a nice nap (as if I need another). *sigh*

I wanna hollar the loud, funny words!!!

Good grief. Another Wednesday evening spent watching American Diggers on Spike TV. Why do I torture myself so?

Tonight they went to St. Augustine, Florida and down in the bayou area of Louisiana. There were some neat relics found and I do have to give them kudos for finding a $20 double eagle, St. Gaudens' design gold coin. They're rare and worth a LOT of money these days.

I could probably enjoy the show if it weren't for one thing -- the owner/host/announcer/blowhard Ric Savage. He gives history and information about the places they go and the things they find as if he's rehearsed whatever the production team's researcher has pulled off the Internet. He yells at the camera during the entire show and heaven help you if your television is accidentally turned-up a bit loud and he finds something he thinks is wonderful 'cause you're going to hear him scream about it. And not just any scream -- the well-rehearsed scream that comes from professional wrestlers.

He fully admits that he used to be a professional wrestler (I still don't remember ever seeing him in a match). I once had some "professional" wrestlers (they got paid but weren't on any of the big circuits) come into our store years ago and they talked about how they had to practice their "speeches" that they'd give after every match and there were classes on how to yell at the camera. They also admitted that the hardest thing to do was to keep from laughing when their partner/friend/ally/opponent/enemy/whatever said something incredibly stupid. That's why when you watch professional wrestling, especially from the 1980s-1990s, you'll see people gritting their teeth or sucking in their cheeks. They're not trying to look mean and vicious. They're just trying to not blow their cover as an actor.

And Ric's got it down to a science. Every time he yells he throws his arms up in the air and sticks his gut out with a loud howl. And it's usually a "boo-yah" or "woo-hoo" followed by something either unintelligible or the name of the place where they're digging. You can predict where every scream is going to happen in a show and they conveniently edit it so that you have to hear it multiple times.

Sadly, every time I watch the show I'm reminded of another show. One that many people watched over the years and caused many parents to complain. There's an episode of the old Ren & Stimpy Show called "Mad Dog Höek" where the guys have just finished a wrestling match and both the winners and losers get a chance to make their cases. It's hysterical and I end up quoting it at one point during the show or another because it fits so perfectly.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, I give you the Ending Speech Scene from "Mad Dog Höek" -- try to watch American Diggers and not think of this. I dare you.

Greetings from Depressive

Hi. I've been around for quite a while but haven't had the opportunity to actually post anything here myself. I've been trying to keep me from being noticed but when things get really hectic or stressful or disappointing, then I just can't stop from showing up to practically ruin it all.

Oh dear. I see you looking at what I'm writing and you've got that weird look on your face. It's the same look that my family gives me when they can't figure out what's going on or when they think I'm just trying to hide something. Usually I am trying to hide something -- myself. I don't like me being here and I don't like it when I come around just out of the blue.
,br> I guess I should explain. If you're a long-time follower of this blog, you already know that I have bi-polar disorder (along with some other absolutely fascinating issues that can cause havoc at any moment). Now, for those who don't understand bi-polar disorder, it was originally called manic-depressive disorder. This is when your brain -- or, rather, my brain -- decides that it wants to do something different for a while without my consent. I can either become extraordinarily hyperactive, hyper-vigilant, hyper-emotional. Just pick a "hyper" and it's on the list. This is my manic phase. This is when Manic appears and keeps me from sleeping for long periods of time (days) or has me obsessing over certain things that need to be done and I can't stop doing them or I end up listening to the rest of the voices up in my head arguing because they've decided that since adrenaline, their favorite drink, is on-tap that they're going to join in the fun.

Manic and I get along well at times but we do have problems when Manic gets OCD a little over-excited instead of its usual state. Then I can be in big trouble.

But today, I'm here. Well, I am always here but the specific "I" that is writing here is Depressive. I am the one that can take any happy moment from extremely ecstatic to morbidly horrifying in seconds. I have the ability to just wander up while I'm hearing good news and start whispering all the things that are either untrue (whether they are or not) about it or about how everything from that moment on will go horribly wrong. And I don't shut-up easily, either. I've been around for ages and I've learned all of my defense mechanisms against me. Even the medications are having problems with me now.

My favorite one was when I was ordered to a psychology group for manic-depressive people and the class leaders said, "If you just think that you're happy, you'll be happy." They repeated that a lot. I raised my hand and asked them how that could be possible especially when I was incredibly suicidal? Was I supposed to be happy about being suicidal or was I supposed to picture rainbows and kittens and cotton candy and hope that the suicidal bit would pass?

They kicked me out of the class. Seriously.

For a while I've been puttering around here reading what's being written and critiquing things. It's one of the things I do. I also keep bad things at the forefront of my mind. The whole ERO issue, for example. Today I got my paperwork that the informal stage is over and I can now file for a formal hearing. However, I keep reminding myself that I (1) only have 14 more days left to do that, (2) that I have no idea how the whole process works, (3) that I could really use a good attorney to help me, (4) that I've been referred to a really good attorney who wants to help me, but (5) the attorney costs $300 per hour that I don't have and that leaves me sitting and staring at the paperwork and going back to #1. And then I start it all over again. See how much fun I am?

I've seen celebrities who have bi-polar talk about their different extremes with cute little names for them. I don't do that. I am a part of me that is the whole me and nothing but the me. Remember, even the voices are mine. There are just too many of them at times to not give them their own grouping.

Well, that's enough about me for now. I have a prior engagement (I think) with PTSD. We hang out together a lot. Of course, I'm glad that I have Celeste who helps me keep myself from overly freaking-out when I get this way. I'll probably be around for quite a while longer because there's so much going on that I have to get involved with and I've not seen my therapist for almost three weeks so the environment is just how I like it. Moody, sad, stressed, and down.

And thanks in advance to anyone who types anything positive about what I've written about myself. But I'm going to be completely honest with you -- it's not going to matter for a while. When I'm here and this far out in front of myself, it takes a lot longer to get me back with the rest of the crowd. And I don't mean to be snappy or make anyone think I'm ignoring them. I just enjoy screwing with my emotions enough so that I don't want to do anything. Well, sleep is always fun. But I only do that when I don't need to be doing it. Like when the medication makes me do it. Or if there's a ton of things I need to get done and I fall-over on the couch or the bed and doze for, oh, say, three or four hours. Tonight I'm going to try to make myself get some sleep because I'm really tired just from being me today. It won't work the way I want it to, but I'll still try.

And....*sigh*....Husband and Youngest Son keep coming in to check and see what I'm doing (occasionally led by Celeste who knows something's wrong). It irritates me because while I appreciate their worry about me very, very much I also don't like it because they have their own things to worry about and I don't need to be getting in the way. Plus I don't like people trying to read over my shoulder when I'm writing or reading something out-loud. And that's not "Depressive" saying that -- that's just me. So I'll go for now, but we'll meet again. Don't know where; don't know when.

Waiting, waiting, waiting....

Have been waiting on phone calls all day. I wish people would tell me exactly when they're going to call and then call at that time instead of "after" or "around" a time. That makes me end up sitting here miffed because I could have been doing something else but they're the one who wanted to talk to me and asked me to be available. Really not in the mood for this right now....

Leave the bear alone you hillbillies!!

All day I have been listening to the local police scanner. I keep it on because if there's an emergency that isn't being broadcast on the local news channels, I can usually get some information from the scanner. Plus after years of having worked as an Emergency Medical Technician (EMT) and disaster preparedness/response person, I'm just addicted to it.

So today's noteworthy broadcasts have been about a small black bear that has wandered into town. It's not hurt anyone; it's not gone into the residential areas; and it's trying to find its way back to the woods. At first someone thought it was a dog when it was near a residential area but it stayed over by the local airport (not an overly busy one). It has been wandering around and I'm not worried about it coming over into the area where I live because it would have to cross a large Interstate highway plus the busy traffic at the intersection that crosses over it. The state conservation agents have been working with the county law enforcement to track the bear and make sure that it keeps heading towards the woods.

Sadly, though, all the yokels in town have been coming out in droves to see it -- especially after the story was aired on the local news. Now the police are being called by the businesses in the area next to the Interstate highway because people keep trying to get closer and closer to the bear so they can take pictures of it. Some have brought their dogs with them, like the conservation agents need that little bit of "help" with a bear that really doesn't want to be where it is in the first place.

Right now it's up a tree next to the local Pizza Hut. It wanders between one of the banks, the Pizza Hut, a furniture store, and a Captain D's restaurant. I'm sure it smells plenty of trash from that area it would love to eat. Hopefully the conservation and law enforcement agents will get rid of the crowd before the bear hurts itself. The poor thing just wants to get back to its home (with a snack to-go if it can grab one).

Here's an idea -- if you want to see a close-up photo of a bear, pick up a book! If you want to see a bear in person, go to a zoo! If you see a bear in the wild, then lucky you -- but for cryin' out loud, stop trying to get in its way!

Well....at least now there's something else to listen to. Some drunken fool is chugging a Mountain Dew and whiskey outside a local grocery store and has pushed carts into the major 4-way intersection of town. Now that sounds more like an average night.

Can we say "discrimination?" I thought we could!

*Insert loud screaming in frustration noise here*

Well, I just heard from my Equal Rights counselor regarding my long "quest" to find out why I wasn't reappointed to my job and to try to get it back. I still have another phone call coming from her when she receives the message of whether or not the person she is dealing with has the right to reappoint me or not. At the moment, however, I couldn't give crap one if they try to reappoint me to my old position. There's no way I could possibly stand to work for these people after what I was just told they said about me and my disability!

So, quick rundown before I have to go grab another Xanax. The main Equal Rights Officer I worked with last year to get my reasonable accommodations to have Celeste come to work with me stated that I had proven that I had a disability and with all the letters from therapists, doctors, co-workers, and the trainer of my service dog that I had proven the need and should be allowed to bring her with me. My assistant Cadre Manager signed-off on all of the paperwork and sent me a memo stating how in the future I was to notify her when I was deploying with Celeste and the rules/regulations that I would have to follow for having her in our field offices. Basic stuff, all approved, all signed, and copies (both physical and electronic) are saved for my records.

Then, the counselor contacted my Cadre Manager and his assistant to speak with them on why I wasn't reappointed to my job. He stated that he'd heard my name but didn't know who I was. He also stated that he knew that there were issues last year with me bringing Celeste and problems at the office (which there weren't any from her, just from others who wanted to pet and play with her) and that she was not a "service animal" but was a "comfort dog." Really?? Since when did he become so educated on what constitutes the difference between a SD (service dog) and an ESA (emotional support animal)?? And this is a man I've only ever spoken to once since I started working for him in 2009 because he never returned my emails or phone calls and I always had to go through his assistant.

And speaking of his assistant, she was very quiet throughout the interview. I have her signature approving my request for reasonable accommodation but she told the counselor that all of that was handled at headquarters by the ERO officers.

I was right!! They were discriminating against me when they didn't reappoint me. The Cadre Manager stated that my "comfort dog" would cause a problem and I couldn't be deployed or retained because of it. Also, he said that he had to drastically reduce the number of people he had employed but he only released two people in my section. I guess all of the people who I trained last year will be able to go on to have full employment and success now.

I'm not expecting to get my job back because he said he'd be happy to write a letter of recommendation for me (which was the easy-out option given if they weren't going to keep me) and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want me back anyway now that I know what I know. But, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

I'm shocked. I'm flabbergasted. I can't believe that someone would be so bold to basically state outright that my disability is the reason they didn't keep me -- especially since this is a FEDERAL position and there are FEDERAL laws to protect the disabled.

You can be sure I'll keep things updated as more info comes in. However, for anyone who thought I was just uselessly chasing a dream, I'm not upset and I'm not going to dance around with my tongue sticking out and my fingers in my ears saying "I'm right and you were wrong!" I've always had a tenacity to grab hold of something and see it all the way through to the end, regardless if I'm right or I'm wrong. I'm glad that I have that now because I have proof that I was right this time. And anyone who feels that they've been wronged should be brave enough to stand-up for what they believe in and fight for what is right. I hope I've been a good example.

Now I need to try to relax before I pop a vein in my head. That would kind of make going on to a formal complaint process difficult.

Accepting suggestions on "training" a teenager!

Again! I can't believe I have to go through this crap again! The kid is 13 years freakin' old -- how much longer will it last???

I had to go to an appointment today. Usually I can trust Youngest Son to be on his best behavior (or something like it) while I'm out for a little while. I come back and what do I find? I find one of the premiere rules of the house broken and him lying to me about it.

We have a very strict rule about the computer. Because of the questionable content out there and the threat of viruses, worms, and Trojans, we do not allow our children to access the computer unless we're with them or we give them a five-minute window to check email or Facebook. We did it that way with Eldest Son and we're doing it that way with Youngest Son. Even though he has a computer in his room, there is no Internet access to it (not even Wi-Fi) and he's not allowed to turn it on without our permission. I have a special key that allows Internet to be connected if he needs to work on a homework assignment but either Husband or me is in the room with him while he's online. Usually, though, he wants to use our main household computer (from which I also run my online business) because it's newer, faster, and has more programs. Again, though, he must be supervised while using it.

I was gone for an hour and came back to find that not only had he been on the computer when I was gone and without permission, he'd also accessed the Internet and even looked into the history folder for our web browser. That threw up red flags all over the place because he could have been to a site we don't allow and deleted the information. So, I asked him what happened while I was gone.

Nothing. He gave me the standard teenager shrug of the shoulders and a monotone "I don't know" as an answer. I started listing the items he has privileges to use and/or owns and which ones he would be losing as he continued to feign an inability to recall anything he may or may not have done over the hour that I was away from home. Finally he said he looked at the history to see if we had bought him a birthday present online.

He must think I have "stupid" written on my face because I don't believe that for a moment. And I told him that as well. His birthday is over a month away and I certainly wouldn't purchase anything this far in advance, mostly because I never know when he's going to pull a stunt like this and end up grounded again.

A couple of years ago he took something of mine and lied about it. I could prove that he did it and even showed him the evidence. He continued to lie and for over half and hour he lied and lied until he realized that he was just digging himself a deeper hole of punishments. And every time he continued to lie or did something else against the rules, we just added the time for that infraction onto what he'd already earned. The kid was grounded for about six months! You'd think he'd have figured it out by now that we, his parents, are much smarter than he is and will find out when he does something wrong (especially since he's not good at covering his tracks) and that just admitting to what he did and apologizing would get him in far less trouble than lying about it.

I don't know what to do. Seriously. This keeps happening over and over and over and I'm sick to death of it. Right now his "privileges" are to eat, sleep, use the bathroom, do his household and yard chores, and practice his trumpet. He can read while he's in his room (he's got LOTS of books on many subjects). But there will be no television, video games, computer, MP3, cell phone, telephone, texting, or going out unless it's to walk the dog or we're all going somewhere together.

This is my first summer home in years. Usually I'm deployed away to work a disaster and I've missed being able to just spend free time with him. No schedules; no worries about work or him having to go to school. He's only been out of school three days and he can't keep it together! I really worry about him in the future.

I can see why the USPS is in the crapper....

Everyone's complaining that the United States Postal Service (USPS) is going to be closing post offices and processing centers and probably raising the prices on stamps a zillion more times before the end of the year. There's a very, very good reason why, but first let me start with my story of the day.

I like to sell items from my website. I also like to sell items on eBay. Many times I have items that need to be shipped overseas. So, I use the USPS to ship overseas because it is cheaper than UPS, FedEx, or any of the other commercial carriers. Today I had a World War II Brazilian officer's belt buckle that had been sold, ironically enough, to a gentleman in Brazil. I had listed that the weight of the item was about 1 pound because it's small, brass, and isn't hard to put into a padded envelope or a small box. Today when I attempted to ship it, I weighed the buckle and it was actually 2.9 pounds. That's fine -- not a lot of difference since I'm going to be sending it Priority Flat-Rate International where items up to 4 pounds can be shipped for one fee. However, what they failed to tell me was that I also needed to weigh the box with it. If it's a flat-rate box and it says I can ship up to 4 pounds, why are they also charging for the "free" box? What's the point of me using their "flat-rate" service if I'll end up paying the same amount as if I used my own box?

It's things like this that explain why the USPS is really in the crapper. Back when UPS, FedEx, DHL, and the countless other commercial shipping companies that have come-and-gone started vying for our business, they promised overnight or next-day or 3-day shipping and that's exactly what you got. The USPS' attitude was that "it will get there when it gets there" because it's run by the government with overpaid government employees. I'm not talking about your standard letter carriers who are actually out in the heat, ice, rain, and snow actually delivering your mail -- especially those like my letter carrier who still has to do it on-foot and not in the cute little air-conditioned truck. When the Postmaster General of the United States makes a 6-figure salary and never actually handles a piece of mail, something's wrong. And it's the lackadaisical attitude of the "perpetual government employment" and specialized benefits that have the higher-ups not really caring if people complain about the service they receive. It used to be a one-horse show back in the old days. Them days, partner, are over.

With all of the shipping choices people have now it's no wonder that the commercial shippers are driving the USPS out of business. They're in it for the profit and if the customer isn't happy, they'll tell their friends who will tell their friends and pretty soon your company has no one using it. I've seen quite a few come-and-go over the years. The ones with staying power offer the services you want at a reasonable price and guarantee that you'll get it. The USPS always has a "window of opportunity" of when something might arrive. Rarely do I ever see a confirmed date with the Post Office.

The USPS constantly is trying to remind everyone that they're self-funded and not assisted by the Federal Government and that only your use of the Post Office can keep it going. Guess what? That's the same thing you'll hear from a privately owned business! Gee whiz, who'd have thought that if you gave good service, didn't overspend on benefits and retirement (something that occasionally is done in commercial companies as well), and tried to stick to your budget that you could be successful? But, the Federal Government doesn't require that the USPS make a profit; it just has to break-even. And then they're also supported by taxpayers through the "Postal Service Fund" but they don't like to talk about it because they usually come up with a profit at the end of the day when it's all is said and done.

And they wonder why people prefer email and commercial shipping?

Still irritated at Mythbusters' "Swinging Pirates" episode

I know it's just a minor thing, but I really liked the effect in the "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie that showed the six pirates swinging in a ball made of bones and climbing their way to the top of the cliff and saving themselves. The Mythbusters tried to recreate the myth that it could be done and messed it up. Big time. In my opinion anyway -- I'm not a scientist.

They used metal to create the ball -- good idea. They had openings at the bottom of the ball large enough for them to crawl through -- bad idea. They used two cables to hold the ball above the ground -- not accurate since in the movie it's supposed to be a single vine. But they did prove that they could climb up the "cliff" by having everyone help climb a cargo net on the side of a building. They really should have replicated the actual conditions. The two safety cables impeded the ability for the momentum to increase.

However, on the same episode, the Build Team made a pulse jet and had an expert come and show them an effective way to build one and how it should run. I wonder how many WWII British survivors watched the episode and had bad memories afterwards? The one their expert built sounded just like a V-1 flying bomb, also known as a "Buzz Bomb" or "Doodlebug" by the British who listened to them as they flew overhead before crashing and exploding. And if you've never heard of the V-1 -- go look it up. They did lots of damage.

Now I'm going to watch the new episode for this week -- any time you make a hot water heater explode on television is awesome.

Voices are quiet at the moment....

Shhh!!! We don't want to wake them!!!

I feel crappy today and even though a few are still rattling around in the back of my head trying to get me to continue my postings from the past two days, the rest of the brain is not taking well to the weird changes in the weather and I've been switching from feeling hot and sweaty (from my own personal global warming) to dizzy and sleepy (which could be any number of reasons). So, I'm quietly going to back away from the computer before the rest realize I'm here and try to relax today.

I'm sure those of you waiting for the rest of the story won't be disappointed in the future -- they're not about to let me leave a tale unfinished.

When did eBay think it could be my parent??

Well, maybe the title is a bit unfair. I have been away from selling on eBay for a while because (1) I've either been deployed away working for my former job and making a decent salary or (2) the items I've found that would have gone for sale on eBay either sold quickly on my website or at a gun/militaria show. And Husband has been fabulous at keeping items listed on eBay when I'm not available and there's something that we know we can make a decent amount of money on if we can just find the right audience. Like, say, the entire eBay-ing world!

But today was just annoying! I've got a few items and some books that I want to list and figured that since I still have all of my templates saved it would be a breeze! When did eBay decide they can tell me what I can and can't say and how I can and can't say it?

For example, I have strict shipping requirements. The reason for that is because I've sold many items to people overseas and they've received their items within the usual shipping period and have let me know that they've arrived safely. I've also had many items shipped to people here in the United States -- some in states bordering my own -- and been told that either the item was never received or that it was extremely damaged and they wanted their money back. When I'd ask for photographic proof of the damages to the item and shipping container, they would have an excuse for not being able to provide it. And they always picked the cheapest route with no insurance or tracking capabilities so there was never any way to determine if the item had or hadn't arrived. So, I changed all of my shipping to a commercial shipping organization in brown uniforms because they offered free insurance (up to $100) for the value of the item and I as well as the buyer could track the shipment all the way to their door. My attitude became, "If you don't like it, you don't have to buy from me. I'm protecting myself and my company from idiots who just want something for free."

So, I would list in my eBay auctions to "Be sure to read all shipping policy information and if you're not willing to pay the extra expense, do not bid on my items!" Straight and to the point. No wishy-washy customer-servicey happy namby-pamby phrasing. I prefer to tell it like it is. Make it clear and plain so that it translates into any language easily (even stupid) and, no, the customer is not always right.

You would have thought that I'd tried to incite a war with the way eBay reacted! I had my template completed for the first item I wanted to list and big, bold "warning" boxes popped up on my screen telling me that I needed to review my return policy before they'd let me list the item. I'd said in my description that the buyer would need to read my policy information and even provided a link for it. That wasn't good enough. I'd have to fill out a form to make it simple. So I clicked back to fill in the form and they didn't offer anything like what I offer. In my business, photographs and printed materials are not allowed to be returned because it doesn't take a genius to know that some unscrupulous person will just scan it and make all of the copies they want and claim they're originals and sell them. The eBay form had nowhere I could specify that. So, I stated it in the little box they give you for additional information.

Then another pop-up box appeared. It didn't like the fact that I said I wouldn't accept money orders as payment. It also informed me that money orders were no longer allowed as payment through eBay except in certain categories (mostly eBay Motors). It wouldn't let me post my item because I said I wouldn't accept something that it won't allow me to accept in the first place. Ahhh....someone in programming figured out how to make the system recognize words but not the context of them. If I don't have the option to accept money orders checked in the payment box, what difference does it make if I say I won't accept them in the description? But, it wouldn't allow me to list my item until I went back and removed the offending sentence.

Finally, just when I thought I'd get my item listed, the shipping payment information I included caused the largest box to pop-up on the screen. It basically said that the way I phrased my listing by stating that if someone didn't want to pay for something that they shouldn't bid was wrong and I could drive away customers.

Um....that's kind of the point!! If they're not willing to pay extra for the shipping services to ensure that it arrives at their residence/office/deserted island, then I don't want to fool with someone trying to argue with me that they "really want to complete the auction and pay the money due but the shipping is just too expensive and [they] had no idea whatsoever that [I] would charge such an extravagant amount and how dare [I] not know that [they] are always good for their word and that [I] am insulting [them] by not just slapping a stamp on the item or, in [their] opinion, sending it for free." I've gotten so frustrated and people trying to argue about shipping at times I've told them I'll just stick their item in an envelope, put a stamp on it, and wish them the best of luck 'cause what they want to pay isn't going to get their item to them.

The pop-up box continued to chastise me on being "unprofessional" and how it could hurt me from becoming one of their Top Sellers. I don't list enough stuff to be a "Top Seller" and if I was operating a storefront instead of an online business (which I've done), my attitude would be exactly the same. It's not being "unprofessional" -- it's being honest. And, as I said earlier, the customer is not always right.

After over an hour of changing and adding and subtracting things from the listing, it finally let me post my item. All that work for something that's got a starting bid of $5. AND, I got a notice that they're changing the rules/regulations on listing items again May 1st (tomorrow).

I'll wait until the 2nd to list more items, if it will let me. Hopefully they will have made their minds up on what those of us who list our items for sale (and are the ones who've made them successful) will be allowed to do. It's sad when a company gets too big for its britches. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Going a little farther on my quest....

After I published my post "Let's see what this gets me...." I received mixed reviews regarding what I had done. Some people said that I was a crusader for those who'd been wronged. Others said I was wasting my time and burning bridges. I don't think of myself as a crusader. I'm trying to get my own answers but if I do find out something that can help others, I'm more than willing to share the information. I'm not overly concerned with burning bridges since I'd worked long hours in hard conditions to make my bridges sturdy and I feel it's my now former employer who came behind me, knocked them town, built them back with gas-soaked logs and then left an open flame nearby.

So, I waited over the weekend for a response from the gentleman I'd emailed in the previously mentioned post. I received nothing. I waited during the day yesterday as I listened to the horrendous noise coming from Stupid Neighbors' driveway (see yesterday's post for more information) and still received nothing. I finally found the name of the person in charge of the entire Equal Rights Office at headquarters and sent her a letter along with a copy of the letter I'd sent to the other ERO officer to see if I could receive any clarification regarding the information I'd received to date as well as to share additional information that I'd been receiving. Within two hours, I received an email from the original ERO officer I'd attempted to contact. Here is what I received (edited for privacy):

I want to assure you that [Federal Agency Acronym Here] provides reasonable accommodations to people with disabilities. I have seen no indication that you received this notification because of your request to have a service animal in the workplace.

My best guidance would be to talk to your Cadre manager about the notification.

Should you wish to request EEO (Equal Employment Opportunity) Counseling, you may contact [Name] here in the Office of Equal Rights for the assignment of an EEO Counselor. [Name] can be reached at [telephone number and email address].

For your information, I am providing you with the EEO Flier, “Your Right to Equal Opportunity.” The Flier explains the EEO Complaint process, and your rights and the time limits for exercising those rights. If you intend to request EEO Counseling, please contact [Name] as soon as possible.

It wasn't quite what I was looking for but it also wasn't the same stock answer I'd received in the past. Now that I was beginning to receive messages from others who had been non-reappointed that also have disabilities and messages from others who knew persons who had been non-reappointed without a clue as to why their years of service would suddenly be stopped, I figured why not try to see this out to the end.

So, I contacted the person that was mentioned in the email I'd received. Here is what I sent (edited for privacy):

I have been referred to you by [Name] due to my suspicion that I and other DAEs who are not being reappointed at this time might be because we have disabilities on-file with our Cadres, Regions, and Headquarters.

I've attached the original email that I sent to [Name] and his reply referring me to you at the bottom of this letter. At the time I originally wrote [Name], I felt that I was the only one who had received a non-reappointment letter and wondered if it was because I now utilize a service dog to assist me to do my work and be able to deploy. I have been contacted by another DAE who also has a disability who was not reappointed to their position as well. This person does not utilize a service animal or adaptive equipment, but we both found it quite odd that after filing our requests for reasonable accommodation, the next reappointment period ending resulted in both of us not retaining our positions after approximately 8 years of service. I have been contacted through social media by others who have suspected or believe the same thing, but they have not confirmed with me any information and I therefore cannot speak for them. I am only addressing this for myself at this time.

[Name] stated in his reply that I should speak with my Cadre manger. He must not have read the paragraphs where I did attempt to contact both [Names and Titles], and was only responded to by [Name] with a "stock answer" paragraph, included in the letter below. When I asked additional questions, I was only given the same paragraph as a response -- implying that I would receive no other information than what had just been given to me.

I understand the "at-will" hiring and retainment process and I understand through 8600.1 that [Federal Agency Acronym Here] does not have to provide a reason for dismissal to DAEs. But with the questions I have raised and the fact that I am in two protected classes (over-40, disabled), I would believe that it would be in the best interest of [Federal Agency Acronym Here] to provide a reason why I would not be reappointed. That's what I was originally looking for because if I attempt to apply for another job and they ask "Why were you released from your previous position?" and I have no answer to give, that usually makes them suspect that I had done something wrong. When every performance evaluation I received was excellent and gave nothing but praise, I find it hard to believe that I did something wrong that wouldn't have been previously addressed with me before deciding to end my employment.

Any information or insight you could provide would be greatly appreciated. I really did not believe after working for so long in the Region and with two different Cadres that always gave me high praise and requested me by name for specific assignments that I would be having to come to ERO for guidance regarding my suspicions of discrimination.

Thank you for your time and attention. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

I have not yet heard anything today, but I have received more messages of support and disgust at my attempts for a simple answer. Even though I'd resubmitted my resumé prior to going on my "quest" (as some have put it), it's never been about getting my job back. If they offered it back to me, I'd have to really consider the terms and conditions before I'd take it. If they didn't offer it to me, I'd have lost nothing else but the time spent looking for answers. If they offered me another position in another Cadre, again I'd really have to consider the terms and conditions before I could consider accepting it.

I'm just trying to save my good name and reputation. After many years working with the same organization, it's unusual when someone is suddenly not retained in that position without good cause. I just want to make sure that there is a good cause and not an attempt to circumvent the law by stating that "a more nimble organization" is desired and those of us who aren't as "nimble" (whatever that means) are now considered worthless. They could have said that "cutbacks were needed, your job performance was excellent and letters of referral would be available upon request." Or they could have been honest and said the negative reasons why someone wasn't being kept so that they could make adjustments in any future employment endeavors. That kind of thing happens in many organizations where these economic times have required valuable employees to be released. Instead, those of us who were not reappointed were basically told that we didn't matter anymore. We weren't "good enough" to be picked to play on the playground with the rest and we weren't "worthy" of a reason why.

I don't know where this next round will lead or if anything will come about because of it. But the small part of me that has spent many years advocating for others has reawakened and has decided that I'm worth advocating for as well. Will this all work? Or will it all just blow-up in my face? I don't know, and I don't care. My self-worth is worth fighting for and I'm tired of people expecting me to just slink away quietly. Now it's my turn to be heard.

I almost feel sorry for this guy....

In the continuing story of the property/fence/boundary line argument between Stupid Neighbors (I figured by now I should just give them that as their pseudonym) and my family, they finally have gotten the hint that we're serious about having what they placed on our property removed. First it was their kid's tree, which was moved last night. Today, it's the 200-foot by 2-foot strip of concrete that is part of their driveway/patio they installed without having permits or a survey completed. I tried to warn them that they were over the property line but they just wouldn't listen.

So now they've hired someone to come and remove that strip because we told them we want it gone and we're even considering adding another fence along the property line to keep them, their pets, and their kids' junk out of our yard. We've tried being nice but they're the type of neighbors that if you give them an inch, they'll take a mile.

This morning after I'd taken my medication and had drifted back to sleep from their side effects, I was rudely awakened by a horrible screeching noise which was quickly followed by both of the dogs trying to get my attention and lead me to the door to look outside. There, in Stupid Neighbors' driveway, was a pickup truck and three guys. One of them had a hand-held cement saw and the others were watching him. This was not the water-cooled type of cement saw that works effectively on construction sites. What he had was the type you'd use to remove maybe an inch of cement quickly without the blade overheating. It took over two hours for him (and his buddies who kept refilling the gas tank on it) to cut a line along the boundary cord we'd stretched between the survey pins and additional cuts along the side to make the slab easier to remove.

Here's something you need to know about that slab. Not only is what they need to remove 200-feet by 2-feet, but it's also between 3 and 5 inches thick depending on where they're cutting. The person they hired to lay the concrete just used a Bobcat to quickly dig-up a pad for the framework and it wasn't completely level across all areas. This poor guy holding the heavy saw -- which, by the way, is not making quick progress through the cement -- is having to cut and recut until he reaches the ground underneath. He's lucky that Stupid Neighbors didn't put a wire grid or rebar in the slab or it would have taken even longer or broken his saw.

After all of the cuts were made, the same guy whacked at the slab with a soft-headed sledgehammer (I have no idea why) three or four times and then packed-up all of the equipment and left. I figured by now he had realized that he needed heavier and proper equipment in order to easily remove the massive amount of cement/concrete/whatever that is over there.

Nope. He has returned, three hours later, with a heavier sledgehammer and a crowbar. Not a long prybar that you would use in moving slabs of concrete, but a typical crowbar that you might use in small construction projects. And he's whacking the slab with the sledgehammer and then using the crowbar to pry away small chunks of concrete.

You have to understand that I've never worked professionally in construction but I have assisted in building items for local organizations as well as studying construction theory before working in technical theatre so that I could build safe and sturdy set pieces. And I can't imagine that this person believes that his way of trying to remove this amount of concrete will be effective, especially if he's supposed to be a professional. Maybe he came in as the lowest bidder (if they even bothered to get estimates on this project), and I could certainly see why he would be if this is the way he's going to get it done.

Whereas before my house was filled with the screeching sound of a wheel slowly working its way into the cement, now it's filled with the deep "THUD" that comes from each swing of the sledgehammer and an occasional "DING" when he drops the crowbar onto the slab. I don't think he's realized that you get better purchase and that momentum will work best in your favor trying to break concrete if you stand up while swinging the sledgehammer, but I'm not going to tell him how to do his job. As long as he gets it done, removes the debris, and fixes the yard where the slab is currently, then I'll be happy. It can take him all day (or two or three) to get it done; I'm not paying for it. And it's cheap entertainment for the dogs to watch him and growl at others who come by to see what he's doing.

I'd feel sorry for him, but if he chooses to work harder instead of smarter, that's none of my business.

Why can't people just do their jobs?

Today the family and I had to make a trip down the highway so that I could look at and test some self-service dog washing tables. I'd really like to open my own self-service dog wash in our town but I don't have the money to open the type of store I want. Plus, I don't want to take out a loan. I already owe the government enough money on a bachelor's degree and most of a master's that I'm not using, so I'd rather not have any additional debt if I can help it. The system I tried was nice but operated too much like a car wash with the timer clicking away at the same speed regardless if you had a teacup poodle or a mastiff. You couldn't judge how much it was going to cost to wash and dry the dog -- and "dry" was only implied. Air came out of the hose but if you expected a dog with short or long hair to be dried you just might as well put all the money in your bank account into the machine first because it was going to take a long time. I'd rather have a self-service dog wash where there are tubs and professional dryers (that work) and the people pay per pound (of the dog, not themselves). Then they're not rushed and making a huge mess and the dogs are actually cleaned and dried well enough you wouldn't be afraid of putting them back into your vehicle if you still had a nice interior. However, self-operating machines like that may be what I'd have to get if I can save/raise the money. But I'd certainly make the pricing a bit more reasonable and fair.

So, after getting Celeste cleaned, we decided we should grab some lunch. We decided to go to The International House of Pancakes (IHOP) because (1) it was close and (2) it's cheap. Plus, the restaurant has carpet which would prevent Celeste from getting greasy or having whatever the last person swept under the table instead of actually cleaning stuck in her newly clean fur. The restaurant was not crowded and we figured it would be a good place to pop in, grab a quick bite, and then head out on other errands before returning home.

I should have known once I walked in the door that it wasn't going to be good. The cashier and the hostess immediately began making "boo-boo" faces and voices at Celeste, trying to get her attention. I ignored what they were doing, in the hopes that they would stop, and told the hostess that there would be three of us eating there today. She asked if we wanted a table or a booth. I said a booth because it's easier for Celeste to hide out-of-the-way and she won't accidentally stick a tail or paw into traffic (which can happen under some very small tables). The hostess looked around and said, "Well, we have a table." I replied, "Then why did you ask me what I wanted if there really is no option?" She looked puzzled and handed a wet towel to a waitress and told her to clean off the table at a booth in one of the sections. We looked around the corner and noticed that she was cleaning off a table that was next to four other booths that were not occupied. I chalked it up to the fact that the other section might not be staffed at that moment or that they've got some weird seating ritual at this particular IHOP and waited.

The waitress came back and said that the table was clean. She looked at us as if she expected us to give her a gold star or something. The hostess said that we were next to be seated (there wasn't anyone else around waiting to be helped). Then the two of them debated over who would take us to our seat. The waitress grabbed the menus and asked us to follow her (like we're going to go somewhere else). As we reached the table, she looked down and said rather loudly, "Oh! I didn't see the dog! I didn't know you had one with you -- I'm allergic to them!" I gave Celeste the command to find her spot under the table and reassured the waitress that she wouldn't be in contact with the dog at any time during our meal. That didn't appease her and she repeated that she was allergic to dogs.

Now, just for clarification, unless the other person is so allergic to dogs that it would send them into anaphylactic shock, typical allergies to a dog (fur, dander, etc.) which does not create a life-threatening situation is not an excuse to prohibit a person with a service dog from entering an establishment. She could whine about it all she wanted, but I was well within my legal rights to have her with me. As she continued to complain I interrupted her and told her that Celeste had just been bathed, would not be moving from the spot in which she was currently laying until I command her to when we're leaving, and that we were staying right where we were to eat. I wasn't rude about it -- I just spoke matter-of-factly and even heard someone from another table comment that I was right.

So, after this our drink orders were taken and we didn't see the waitress again for quite some time. Other people were finally being seated in the same section. I began to watch to see if she was their server as well or if someone else was assigned to those tables and would we receive our items before the newcomers did. After seeing her running back-and-forth between the kitchen and what I assumed to be the supply closet to get disposable cups, she finally brought us our drinks and took our food order. Husband, Youngest Son and I began to secretly place bets on how long it would take two omelets and some pancakes to be made and delivered to us.

When after a while she returned with our food, we looked at it and could tell something was wrong. Husband and Youngest Son touched their pancakes -- cold and hard. Even the scoop of butter they put on the top of them wasn't beginning to melt. My omelet looked done but the cheese on top of it wasn't melted. Youngest Son even touched his eggs and said they were cold. We asked the waitress to return and told her that the food was cold. She said that the plates were hot and couldn't possibly understand how it could be cold. Husband asked her to touch the pancakes, to which she replied, "We're not allowed to touch the food." He stuck his finger into the stack and told her that they were cold all the way through. When she began to argue that they couldn't be cold, I reached over to Youngest Son's plate and picked up his two over-easy eggs and held them up for her to see. No yolk breakage. No heat coming off of them to burn my fingers. If you'd seen them you would have thought they were a practical joke piece.

She took the food back to the kitchen and then returned saying that she'd touched the food when she got back there and it was cold and she didn't know why and that she would tell the manager. She also said that within 10 minutes we'd have fresh, hot food. We did get hot food -- in less than 4 minutes. And it looked as if it was slapped-together just to get it out of the kitchen. Nothing was placed neatly on the plates or cooked the way we asked.

We took the food and started eating because by now we were starving. Others in our section told us that the restaurant had been having issues and they weren't surprised to see us sending food back. The first question that crossed my mind was, "If you know the restaurant is having issues with people sending food back, why are you here?" but I didn't ask it.

As we ate, we tried to stomach what we had and laughed when the pancakes that Husband ordered split apart as if they had been frozen previously and barely reheated. I guess the "International" part of IHOP is imported pancakes because every one was identical, right down to the dark coloring you'd see if they'd been done on a griddle. I've made quite a few pancakes in my time and I've never been able to get them all identical.

We continued to eat and a gentleman walked up behind Husband and asked if things were okay. No name tag. No identification of any kind. Husband asked who he was and when he identified himself as the manager, Husband said he wondered when he was going to show-up to see why we were upset with our meal. The gentleman looked puzzled. He had no idea we were upset. The waitress rushed over and told us that she had told a different manager and apologized to this manager for not making him aware as well and then began to describe all of the previous events to him. He asked if we wanted new plates of food, which we politely declined and explained that we weren't from that town and needed to get back on the road to finish errands and return home and waiting again for new food would put us even further behind schedule.

Husband and I have always joked that we're just cursed to receive bad food and/or service at restaurants. There was a time when Youngest Son was still an infant that we went to the same restaurant three times because they kept inviting us back for free meals after (1) I was poisoned by dishwashing liquid that had been spilled on the fish I ordered and (2) when we came back for the free meal after that incident a bee was found curled-up (and dead) inside a leaf of lettuce in Husband's salad. The manager of that restaurant admitted that they weren't making a better impression on us and was soon replaced. Sometimes we laugh when we're out because a manager will walk by our table and ask us how we're doing but not say anything to other diners. We wonder if they've got big pictures of us up in the kitchen warning them that we've had crap service at other corporate chains and to be on the lookout for us.

The manager said that he would look into what happened and disappeared. We started to eat as fast as we could because we didn't want anything except to get the heck out of there and back on our way. The manager returned and attempted to pick up the ticket that the waitress had laid on the table after bringing the second attempt at our lunch. Husband slapped his hand down upon the ticket and said that we would pay for our food. The manager looked confused and said that he wanted to pay for the meal. Husband said that all we wanted were two things to happen -- Number 1, for the employees to do their jobs and get it right because without customer satisfaction there won't be customers and then they won't have a job; and Number 2, for the employees to be advised on how to properly act around a service dog because they are working dogs and are not to be distracted when doing their jobs. The manager insisted again on paying for our meal, but we weren't going to allow it. We ate the food, so we should pay for the food. That always shocks them because a lot of times they're used to someone just trying to get a free meal. If we couldn't afford the food, we wouldn't be there in the first place. Plus, the bottom of the ticket has the order number and the 1-800-number the corporation wants customers to call to answer a survey and give comments on our visit.

And trust me, we will.

Let's see what this gets me....

I've been trying to be patient about finding out why I wasn't reappointed to my position with a federal government agency. And, yes, I know that "at-will" employees can be hired or fired or can quit at any time for any reason (or no reason at all). But the more I see other friends receiving their reappointment letters -- and a well-deserved "Congratulations!" to them -- it's getting depressing being the only person I know so far who has not had their job renewed. And it makes me continue to wonder why since no one has ever complained about my work. Well, at least not to my face or through channels where something could be done about it.

So, today I took a risk. I'm tired of sitting and waiting for something to happen. I'm tired of always trying to "play it safe" and "keep my cards close to my chest" in matters like this. This might help me at least get an honest answer or it might totally blow-up in my face and ruin any attempt I could ever have at getting another position like the one I had. But I had to do something.

I contacted the Equal Rights Officer with whom I worked last year when I was obtaining Celeste and having issues getting reasonable accommodations for my service dog. I even tried to explain to "the powers-that-be" that having her would help me become more deployable and help me with my work since she would help mitigate any problems my disabilities would present. I never thought trying to get something I'm legally entitled to could be so hard! All of the letter writing and arguing over whether or not someone with no medical experience believed that my prescribed service dog would be helpful to me and appropriate for an office setting. It's not like she's going to do anything other than lay under my desk all day (except when I take her outside for walks).

Here's some of what I sent to him today (edited for privacy):

I've recently received a letter of non-reappointment regarding my [employment title] status. This is confusing to me because I've never in the almost-8 years I've worked for [Federal Agency Acronym Here] received a negative performance review and I am often requested for specific disasters. I have not been available the first part of this year as I have been undergoing ophthalmologic testing due to my inability to have my vision corrected above 20/50 with glasses. I am currently awaiting an appointment with the Low-Vision Center at [name of prestigious university here] so that they can help me find adaptive equipment and techniques so that I can continue to work. After the appointment, I'd planned to make myself available again.

Through friendships on social media sites, I've seen people posting that they've received their letters and so far I am the only one who's posted a non-reappointment notice. I have emailed my (now former) Cadre Manager, [Name], and his assistant, [Name], for additional information and have been given the following response:

[Insert copy of standardized response paragraph previously inserted into other related blog posts regarding "reason for non-reappointment"]

I even emailed [Name] asking if the reason for my non-reappointment was something negative because it would be fruitless for me to apply to another Cadre if there is something negative preventing my reappointment. Again, I was sent an email with only that paragraph in it. I've also seen the new FAQs for the NDRP transition and no new DAEs are being recruited or appointed, which makes the "free to apply for an appointment within another Cadre" statement moot. Additionally, the NDRP program is not currently accepting applications either as they attempt to transfer reappointed DAEs to the new system. However, I have sent my résumé to the IWMO liaison for [formerly employed location] who has stated she will share it with all other regions and HQ in the hopes that perhaps there might be an available slot somewhere.

I don't want to believe that it's because I now have a service dog that I've not been reappointed, but with phrases such as "a more nimble organization" in the paragraph sent to me it raised my suspicions even more.

If there is any information or advice you could provide, I would greatly appreciate it. This has all come as quite a shock to me and many of my (now former) co-workers. I do understand that as a [employment title] I am a temporary, intermittent, "at-will" employee -- but to receive no feedback regarding the reason why I would not be reappointed and to see terminology as mentioned above only makes me feel that [Federal Agency Acronym Here] is not willing to accommodate employees with disabilities. I hope I'm wrong, but that's the message I'm receiving.

Maybe I've shot myself in the foot with this. Maybe I'll just be marked as a "troublemaker" because I won't take "no comment" for an answer. Maybe I'll be a model for other disabled persons who have been indirectly discriminated against. Who knows what will happen.

All I know right now is that I feel better just for having sent the letter. And I've received advice/comments from family/friends on other steps I might be able to take if I still can't get an answer after this. Whether or not I get my job "back" is irrelevant. What's important here is knowing the truth. When you're the only person you know who's not been rehired but you're also the only person you know with a disability, it's hard not to jump to conclusions -- which is why I want the honest answer.

I don't wanna post today!

With everything that's been going on recently, the last thing I want to do right now is sit in front of the computer and try to be witty. I went to my therapy session today and feel like nothing much came out of that. My therapist is stunned that I wasn't reappointed for my job and has the same outlook I have on me finding another job anywhere around here -- grim.

It's easy to look at the job services online listings and other search engines for positions and find things I'm qualified for or would be willing to learn. It's harder to go into the job location to fill-out an application, drop off a resumé or complete an interview with an 85-pound service dog with you that they weren't expecting. You can see it in their eyes. They're trying to figure out why you're there with your "pet" or how you could possibly be able to do any work if you're "that" disabled that you need a service animal, especially when you're not in a wheelchair or showing any visible signs of a disability. And the usual answers of "You're qualified, but not qualified enough," or "You're overqualified for this position" roll off their lips as if they've had their mind made-up all along (which, they probably have).

Today has just been a sucky day and I'm not in the mood to deal with much else. I had an idea for a business I could open that would help me as well as many others in our community, and then found that someone else is already starting one. And even though I know mine would be WAY better and most likely more successful, without the money to start it up, it's just not going to happen.

And now the "voices" are even arguing over which is more negative or depressive because that's what they do when I'm in a funk. It's gonna be a long night.

Non-reappointment not making sense

So, some of you will remember the other day when I posted that my job had ended because I wasn't chosen to have my position reappointed for another two years. In the letter I received, this was the explanation given:

March 24th, 2012 marks the end of the current appointment period. Per the Stafford Act and the Conditions of Employment, you have not been reappointed. However, you are free to apply for an appointment within another Cadre.

I wrote to my (now former) supervisors to request an explanation on why I wouldn't be reappointed, especially since I have almost 8 years with the organization and have never received a negative mark on any performance evaluations. That was on Saturday (March 24th) and I didn't hear anything back until today. Here's what I got:

March 24^th 2012 marked the end of the current appointment period for all DAE’s. We were asked to evaluate our current work force needs based on (insert Governmental Agency Acronym here)'s mission. This required making some difficult decisions. Clearly we had people who had contributed to our mission for a long time and were good employees. However, our current and projected staffing needs meant we needed a more nimble organization, which required making some very hard choices. At this time, it was determined per the Stafford Act and your Conditions of Employment, to allow your appointment to expire. You are free to apply for an appointment within another Cadre.

I asked for the definition of a "more nimble organization" but only received the same paragraph in response.

"More nimble organization" -- what the heck does that mean? It's not like we're in the military having to carry packs of equipment on our backs. Heck, some co-workers I've seen have barely lifted a ream of paper to refill a copy machine. And if they're talking about age, I'm only 41 and most of my dearest friends who work with this organization (for now at least) are much older than I am.

I also asked if I'm qualified to apply for an appointment within another Cadre and received no answer. I then found the following information posted regarding the way all of the new changes are coming about:

Q: How will someone become part of the National Disaster Reservist Program? A: More information on opportunities and the process for obtaining appointments to the NDRP will be forthcoming in the next 60 days.

Q: I understand that there is a hiring freeze of DAEs now, is this true? A: Yes and no. Any person who is not currently employed by (insert Governmental Organization Acronym here), current local hires, and those who are seeking employment as a new DAE are being asked to wait until the NDRP is fully functional. Any Permanent Full-Time, Temporary Full-Time, or CORE employee who is transitioning to become a DAE will have their transition processed so that they do not have a break in service which would impact items such as their health care benefits.

As I read this -- and someone please correct me if I've got it all wrong -- there's a new program that will be called the NDRP. You can't apply for it right now but they might have information on how to obtain an appointment in it within approximately 60 days (this is the government, you know). And if you were a DAE but you're not one now because you weren't reappointed, you can't apply for a new position in a new Cadre because there's a hiring freeze.

This doesn't make sense! If you can't reapply for your job or for a new one in a new Cadre, then why tell us we can?

Now, there is a clause in our Conditions of Employment that says they can release us at any time for any reason because we're temporary intermittent workers. But I smell something fishy here. They talk about the type of "ideal" workforce they need, not simply that they have to reduce the number of employees. And for a number of people, myself included, who might have unavoidable "difficulties" in meeting the "ideal" (I'll let y'all work that definition out for yourselves), this doesn't sound right.

Well, that's all I'm going to say about it for now. I'm waiting on a call from the low-vision center so I can be evaluated for adaptive technologies to help me continue to be able to work, in this job or any other one I might be able to obtain. I've advised them that the rush to get me in isn't as much of a priority at the moment since I'm not in a position to be employed soon but they're still trying to help me speed-up the process. We'll see what happens.