Just tired of it all....

No, I haven't been posting the past few days. Even my therapist got upset at me because I've not been writing.

When you're in a funk, you can't write. You can't do anything but sit and spin your wheels which just causes more frustration over how you're not going anywhere in your life.

I can end up waiting up to six months for someone to do something about my ERO/EEOC claim because that's the law. Even though I now can't work doing the job I had because some idiot decided he wanted to make the rules instead of following the law, I have to wait for the legal process to take its course.

I've applied for so many jobs in the local area I've completely lost count. And have I heard anything back? Nope. Or when I go somewhere thinking I might like to apply and I can already see in their faces the fact that they're not thrilled over my 86-pound constant companion, I don't bother. Besides, I'd rather have her with me everyday than the crap that can happen at most places.

Got news about a family member who's going through some tough times. I want to be able to help and give support but I also don't want to be intrusive. I remember when I was in a somewhat similar situation and the last thing I wanted was pity from anyone and I usually got a lot of unsolicited advice that didn't do me much good. I don't want to be one of those kinds of people.

One of my friends was to get married tomorrow and her fiancé left her today. She and her young daughter who had opened their home and lives to him and his excuse is because his biological son is afraid of having to make new friends when he moves. What a jerk.

I'm trying to help celebrate Youngest Son's upcoming birthday. I went to the movies with Husband, Youngest Son, and four of his friends. They had a great time and I was really glad they could go. I just feel like I wish we could have done more.

Husband and Youngest Son are currently in the basement doing laundry and playing a computer game. I sincerely appreciate that they're doing the laundry because that means I don't have to do it and I don't have to go outside to get to the basement. It's not a "finished" basement like many people have. It has a floor and walls, but there's no way to access it from inside the house. And with the heat the way it is, I'm not in the mood to go outside much.

And, yes, Depressive is trying to get me to post but I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired that it's just been easier to do nothing and sleep instead of trying to come up with something to write and crying while I feel awful.

Maybe I'll get back on a schedule. Maybe I'll stop writing completely. I've already told my therapist that I'm not writing anymore at the moment about my past because I'm getting to big areas that I don't really remember. There are a lot of blank spaces in my memory -- some last days, some last years -- and whatever is hidden inside them I do not want to bring back to the surface. It wouldn't be healing; it would be reopening the wounds that my brain has found a way to deal with that doesn't cause me any additional damage. I remember trying to deal with them and it didn't work then. Time does not heal all wounds.

Watching and waiting

I've been cruising the Facebook pages of some of my friends from where I used to work and it seems like the majority of them have been complaining about the new process to reapply for their jobs. Supposedly it's taking them a long, long time to get through all of the screens of questions they have to answer. Some are also complaining about the difficulty in uploading documents that are required for reapplication. Many are complaining about how the salaries for what they've been doing for so many years is much, much less than they would consider working for today but they're glad their salaries will be grandfathered in when the transition is over.

Me? I'm still waiting to hear about my formal ERO complaint. Still very upset over what happened and that the person who violated my right to work and discriminated against me had the gall to admit it to an ERO counselor. And I've filed complaints with the Department of Justice and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Just trying to cover all of my bases.

But, time will tell. Sooner or later they have to acknowledge the filing of the complaint and they have to do something about it. The ball is in their court now. I'm just going to wait and see if they're going to do the right thing.

Can we say "discrimination?" I thought we could!

*Insert loud screaming in frustration noise here*

Well, I just heard from my Equal Rights counselor regarding my long "quest" to find out why I wasn't reappointed to my job and to try to get it back. I still have another phone call coming from her when she receives the message of whether or not the person she is dealing with has the right to reappoint me or not. At the moment, however, I couldn't give crap one if they try to reappoint me to my old position. There's no way I could possibly stand to work for these people after what I was just told they said about me and my disability!

So, quick rundown before I have to go grab another Xanax. The main Equal Rights Officer I worked with last year to get my reasonable accommodations to have Celeste come to work with me stated that I had proven that I had a disability and with all the letters from therapists, doctors, co-workers, and the trainer of my service dog that I had proven the need and should be allowed to bring her with me. My assistant Cadre Manager signed-off on all of the paperwork and sent me a memo stating how in the future I was to notify her when I was deploying with Celeste and the rules/regulations that I would have to follow for having her in our field offices. Basic stuff, all approved, all signed, and copies (both physical and electronic) are saved for my records.

Then, the counselor contacted my Cadre Manager and his assistant to speak with them on why I wasn't reappointed to my job. He stated that he'd heard my name but didn't know who I was. He also stated that he knew that there were issues last year with me bringing Celeste and problems at the office (which there weren't any from her, just from others who wanted to pet and play with her) and that she was not a "service animal" but was a "comfort dog." Really?? Since when did he become so educated on what constitutes the difference between a SD (service dog) and an ESA (emotional support animal)?? And this is a man I've only ever spoken to once since I started working for him in 2009 because he never returned my emails or phone calls and I always had to go through his assistant.

And speaking of his assistant, she was very quiet throughout the interview. I have her signature approving my request for reasonable accommodation but she told the counselor that all of that was handled at headquarters by the ERO officers.

I was right!! They were discriminating against me when they didn't reappoint me. The Cadre Manager stated that my "comfort dog" would cause a problem and I couldn't be deployed or retained because of it. Also, he said that he had to drastically reduce the number of people he had employed but he only released two people in my section. I guess all of the people who I trained last year will be able to go on to have full employment and success now.

I'm not expecting to get my job back because he said he'd be happy to write a letter of recommendation for me (which was the easy-out option given if they weren't going to keep me) and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want me back anyway now that I know what I know. But, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

I'm shocked. I'm flabbergasted. I can't believe that someone would be so bold to basically state outright that my disability is the reason they didn't keep me -- especially since this is a FEDERAL position and there are FEDERAL laws to protect the disabled.

You can be sure I'll keep things updated as more info comes in. However, for anyone who thought I was just uselessly chasing a dream, I'm not upset and I'm not going to dance around with my tongue sticking out and my fingers in my ears saying "I'm right and you were wrong!" I've always had a tenacity to grab hold of something and see it all the way through to the end, regardless if I'm right or I'm wrong. I'm glad that I have that now because I have proof that I was right this time. And anyone who feels that they've been wronged should be brave enough to stand-up for what they believe in and fight for what is right. I hope I've been a good example.

Now I need to try to relax before I pop a vein in my head. That would kind of make going on to a formal complaint process difficult.

We'll see what happens now....

Today I got a call from an EEO/ERO person regarding my previous "quest" to find out why I'd not been reappointed to my employment position. She asked a lot of questions; I gave a lot of answers; I forwarded a LOT of emails; and she said she'd be making some phone calls and would get back in touch with me.

I have no idea if it's really going to make a difference or not. This has been such a stupid thing that I almost don't care which way it turns out. But, note that I said "almost" in that last sentence. I'm still very proud of the work I did with that agency and believe that I still have/had many years left to help others.

If nothing else, it gives me one more step towards closure. Who knows what will happen?

Just my typical Type-A/OCD self -- have to see it through all the way to the end regardless of the outcome.

Interesting information intake

Today I sat down, against the protests of some of the voices in my head, and watched a videoconference from the organization with which I used to be employed. I wanted to hear about their new goals for the future and how bright and rosy everything was going to be now that the riff-raff hadn't been reappointed and were no longer employed. Of course, it was easy to listen-in since the government has promised and promised to be more transparent and the video teleconference (VTC) was held on the Internet and not behind a protective firewall.

As all of the participating VTC locations were signing-in, I did see two disabled employees on one of the cameras. One utilizes a wheelchair and one had a service dog with him. This gives me hope that the entire organization wasn't looking for a way to remove those with disabilities in order to be come a "more nimble organization." Now I know that I can just focus on the region which determined that eight years of experience, training, and qualifications weren't enough because I don't know many with disabilities from there that are still employed.

Anyway, I heard a lot of interesting information in this meeting. In a quick summary -- even if you were reappointed to your job, that doesn't mean you still have one after the end of the year. Those who were reappointed were extended until 31 December 2012 but if they don't remember to reapply for the new program (or just decide they don't want to apply for it) then their job is gone. And when they reapply, they do have some preference because they're currently working and are already qualified for the job, but if they don't apply early enough or aren't really qualified enough they might not keep their job. And there are over 3,000 vacancies that they need to fill in addition to the appointed positions that are currently filled. So if a bunch decide they don't want to play by the new rules or don't qualify for their jobs, there will be even more positions available for new people -- or new "old" people, like me -- to take.

I found all of that very, very interesting. For so long I've heard many who were reappointed gloating over the fact that they still have a job and that those of us who weren't must have been lazy, stupid, or any number of other reasons for not being as good as they are. Now to know that they have to reapply for their own job is making many very nervous.

The times, they are a changing. The "good-ol' boy" network won't be around because the people who used to run it won't be in charge anymore. A lot of things that people took for granted have been identified and are being eliminated. Streamlining the program is making a lot of people upset and some have started to say that it's not worth sticking around through the changes. If they're that shallow, let them leave. The job is to help others, not just line your pockets when you feel like being out because of someone else's misfortune.

Will I reapply? Sure. I have nothing to lose. I'll apply for positions I want, though, rather than where they just stick people. That's what happened eight years ago when I first started working with them. I wanted to do one type of job; was told I'd be much more qualified for something else that I really wanted to do; and ended up in a job that I enjoyed but really wasn't as excited about. Maybe this will be the way I'll be able to find my place and use my talents in the best way possible for myself and the people served by the organization.

And, as I said, if I don't get rehired I don't lose anything other than a little time applying for the jobs. I don't have one now so I can't lose something I don't have. I'm still going to advocate for equal employment rights. It's very near and dear to me. And if all of my questioning and investigating keeps me from getting a job, so be it. I'm going to do what I think is right for me for a change and not just what everyone else wants me to do.

Going a little farther on my quest....

After I published my post "Let's see what this gets me...." I received mixed reviews regarding what I had done. Some people said that I was a crusader for those who'd been wronged. Others said I was wasting my time and burning bridges. I don't think of myself as a crusader. I'm trying to get my own answers but if I do find out something that can help others, I'm more than willing to share the information. I'm not overly concerned with burning bridges since I'd worked long hours in hard conditions to make my bridges sturdy and I feel it's my now former employer who came behind me, knocked them town, built them back with gas-soaked logs and then left an open flame nearby.

So, I waited over the weekend for a response from the gentleman I'd emailed in the previously mentioned post. I received nothing. I waited during the day yesterday as I listened to the horrendous noise coming from Stupid Neighbors' driveway (see yesterday's post for more information) and still received nothing. I finally found the name of the person in charge of the entire Equal Rights Office at headquarters and sent her a letter along with a copy of the letter I'd sent to the other ERO officer to see if I could receive any clarification regarding the information I'd received to date as well as to share additional information that I'd been receiving. Within two hours, I received an email from the original ERO officer I'd attempted to contact. Here is what I received (edited for privacy):

I want to assure you that [Federal Agency Acronym Here] provides reasonable accommodations to people with disabilities. I have seen no indication that you received this notification because of your request to have a service animal in the workplace.

My best guidance would be to talk to your Cadre manager about the notification.

Should you wish to request EEO (Equal Employment Opportunity) Counseling, you may contact [Name] here in the Office of Equal Rights for the assignment of an EEO Counselor. [Name] can be reached at [telephone number and email address].

For your information, I am providing you with the EEO Flier, “Your Right to Equal Opportunity.” The Flier explains the EEO Complaint process, and your rights and the time limits for exercising those rights. If you intend to request EEO Counseling, please contact [Name] as soon as possible.

It wasn't quite what I was looking for but it also wasn't the same stock answer I'd received in the past. Now that I was beginning to receive messages from others who had been non-reappointed that also have disabilities and messages from others who knew persons who had been non-reappointed without a clue as to why their years of service would suddenly be stopped, I figured why not try to see this out to the end.

So, I contacted the person that was mentioned in the email I'd received. Here is what I sent (edited for privacy):

I have been referred to you by [Name] due to my suspicion that I and other DAEs who are not being reappointed at this time might be because we have disabilities on-file with our Cadres, Regions, and Headquarters.

I've attached the original email that I sent to [Name] and his reply referring me to you at the bottom of this letter. At the time I originally wrote [Name], I felt that I was the only one who had received a non-reappointment letter and wondered if it was because I now utilize a service dog to assist me to do my work and be able to deploy. I have been contacted by another DAE who also has a disability who was not reappointed to their position as well. This person does not utilize a service animal or adaptive equipment, but we both found it quite odd that after filing our requests for reasonable accommodation, the next reappointment period ending resulted in both of us not retaining our positions after approximately 8 years of service. I have been contacted through social media by others who have suspected or believe the same thing, but they have not confirmed with me any information and I therefore cannot speak for them. I am only addressing this for myself at this time.

[Name] stated in his reply that I should speak with my Cadre manger. He must not have read the paragraphs where I did attempt to contact both [Names and Titles], and was only responded to by [Name] with a "stock answer" paragraph, included in the letter below. When I asked additional questions, I was only given the same paragraph as a response -- implying that I would receive no other information than what had just been given to me.

I understand the "at-will" hiring and retainment process and I understand through 8600.1 that [Federal Agency Acronym Here] does not have to provide a reason for dismissal to DAEs. But with the questions I have raised and the fact that I am in two protected classes (over-40, disabled), I would believe that it would be in the best interest of [Federal Agency Acronym Here] to provide a reason why I would not be reappointed. That's what I was originally looking for because if I attempt to apply for another job and they ask "Why were you released from your previous position?" and I have no answer to give, that usually makes them suspect that I had done something wrong. When every performance evaluation I received was excellent and gave nothing but praise, I find it hard to believe that I did something wrong that wouldn't have been previously addressed with me before deciding to end my employment.

Any information or insight you could provide would be greatly appreciated. I really did not believe after working for so long in the Region and with two different Cadres that always gave me high praise and requested me by name for specific assignments that I would be having to come to ERO for guidance regarding my suspicions of discrimination.

Thank you for your time and attention. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

I have not yet heard anything today, but I have received more messages of support and disgust at my attempts for a simple answer. Even though I'd resubmitted my resumé prior to going on my "quest" (as some have put it), it's never been about getting my job back. If they offered it back to me, I'd have to really consider the terms and conditions before I'd take it. If they didn't offer it to me, I'd have lost nothing else but the time spent looking for answers. If they offered me another position in another Cadre, again I'd really have to consider the terms and conditions before I could consider accepting it.

I'm just trying to save my good name and reputation. After many years working with the same organization, it's unusual when someone is suddenly not retained in that position without good cause. I just want to make sure that there is a good cause and not an attempt to circumvent the law by stating that "a more nimble organization" is desired and those of us who aren't as "nimble" (whatever that means) are now considered worthless. They could have said that "cutbacks were needed, your job performance was excellent and letters of referral would be available upon request." Or they could have been honest and said the negative reasons why someone wasn't being kept so that they could make adjustments in any future employment endeavors. That kind of thing happens in many organizations where these economic times have required valuable employees to be released. Instead, those of us who were not reappointed were basically told that we didn't matter anymore. We weren't "good enough" to be picked to play on the playground with the rest and we weren't "worthy" of a reason why.

I don't know where this next round will lead or if anything will come about because of it. But the small part of me that has spent many years advocating for others has reawakened and has decided that I'm worth advocating for as well. Will this all work? Or will it all just blow-up in my face? I don't know, and I don't care. My self-worth is worth fighting for and I'm tired of people expecting me to just slink away quietly. Now it's my turn to be heard.

Let's see what this gets me....

I've been trying to be patient about finding out why I wasn't reappointed to my position with a federal government agency. And, yes, I know that "at-will" employees can be hired or fired or can quit at any time for any reason (or no reason at all). But the more I see other friends receiving their reappointment letters -- and a well-deserved "Congratulations!" to them -- it's getting depressing being the only person I know so far who has not had their job renewed. And it makes me continue to wonder why since no one has ever complained about my work. Well, at least not to my face or through channels where something could be done about it.

So, today I took a risk. I'm tired of sitting and waiting for something to happen. I'm tired of always trying to "play it safe" and "keep my cards close to my chest" in matters like this. This might help me at least get an honest answer or it might totally blow-up in my face and ruin any attempt I could ever have at getting another position like the one I had. But I had to do something.

I contacted the Equal Rights Officer with whom I worked last year when I was obtaining Celeste and having issues getting reasonable accommodations for my service dog. I even tried to explain to "the powers-that-be" that having her would help me become more deployable and help me with my work since she would help mitigate any problems my disabilities would present. I never thought trying to get something I'm legally entitled to could be so hard! All of the letter writing and arguing over whether or not someone with no medical experience believed that my prescribed service dog would be helpful to me and appropriate for an office setting. It's not like she's going to do anything other than lay under my desk all day (except when I take her outside for walks).

Here's some of what I sent to him today (edited for privacy):

I've recently received a letter of non-reappointment regarding my [employment title] status. This is confusing to me because I've never in the almost-8 years I've worked for [Federal Agency Acronym Here] received a negative performance review and I am often requested for specific disasters. I have not been available the first part of this year as I have been undergoing ophthalmologic testing due to my inability to have my vision corrected above 20/50 with glasses. I am currently awaiting an appointment with the Low-Vision Center at [name of prestigious university here] so that they can help me find adaptive equipment and techniques so that I can continue to work. After the appointment, I'd planned to make myself available again.

Through friendships on social media sites, I've seen people posting that they've received their letters and so far I am the only one who's posted a non-reappointment notice. I have emailed my (now former) Cadre Manager, [Name], and his assistant, [Name], for additional information and have been given the following response:

[Insert copy of standardized response paragraph previously inserted into other related blog posts regarding "reason for non-reappointment"]

I even emailed [Name] asking if the reason for my non-reappointment was something negative because it would be fruitless for me to apply to another Cadre if there is something negative preventing my reappointment. Again, I was sent an email with only that paragraph in it. I've also seen the new FAQs for the NDRP transition and no new DAEs are being recruited or appointed, which makes the "free to apply for an appointment within another Cadre" statement moot. Additionally, the NDRP program is not currently accepting applications either as they attempt to transfer reappointed DAEs to the new system. However, I have sent my résumé to the IWMO liaison for [formerly employed location] who has stated she will share it with all other regions and HQ in the hopes that perhaps there might be an available slot somewhere.

I don't want to believe that it's because I now have a service dog that I've not been reappointed, but with phrases such as "a more nimble organization" in the paragraph sent to me it raised my suspicions even more.

If there is any information or advice you could provide, I would greatly appreciate it. This has all come as quite a shock to me and many of my (now former) co-workers. I do understand that as a [employment title] I am a temporary, intermittent, "at-will" employee -- but to receive no feedback regarding the reason why I would not be reappointed and to see terminology as mentioned above only makes me feel that [Federal Agency Acronym Here] is not willing to accommodate employees with disabilities. I hope I'm wrong, but that's the message I'm receiving.

Maybe I've shot myself in the foot with this. Maybe I'll just be marked as a "troublemaker" because I won't take "no comment" for an answer. Maybe I'll be a model for other disabled persons who have been indirectly discriminated against. Who knows what will happen.

All I know right now is that I feel better just for having sent the letter. And I've received advice/comments from family/friends on other steps I might be able to take if I still can't get an answer after this. Whether or not I get my job "back" is irrelevant. What's important here is knowing the truth. When you're the only person you know who's not been rehired but you're also the only person you know with a disability, it's hard not to jump to conclusions -- which is why I want the honest answer.

One test result finished....

Got a call from my neuro-opthalmologist today. He received the results of my MRI from Friday and wanted to let me know that everything on it was fine. I was quite relieved 'cause usually any time a doctor calls you so soon after a test it's not always good news. He was happy to report that there are no tumors or lesions or signs of any strokes. The bad news is that it still leaves us with no answer as to what's causing my vision to decrease so rapidly.

I still have the results from the ERG to receive. Maybe they'll give us some answers. I asked him what would happen if that test came back that everything was fine, too? He said he wasn't sure and maybe it would be something that would fix itself in time.

Fix itself? In time? When you have to work for a living and you're already limited in some ways by another disability, you don't really have time to wait to see if things get better. I've tried applying for a new job closer to home but, even though they're not legally supposed to discriminate, I can tell that finding a new job while having a service dog with me isn't most employers' idea of an "ideal employee." Regardless of the fact that she wouldn't impede my or anyone else's work and the company/organization wouldn't have to do anything other than provide a reasonable accommodation for the two of us, I can see by the look in their eyes that their minds are already made up but they can always cover it by saying the usual ol' standby excuse I get, "You're overqualified for this position."

Guess I'll go back to the waiting game until I hear about the other test. This week is Spring Break for Youngest Son. Would like to take him somewhere fun but (1) Husband can't get off work, (2) can't really afford it with the medical bills, and (3) it's forecast to rain like the dickens here every day this week. Maybe we'll take a day and have a "Harry Potter" or "Star Wars" marathon and eat nothing but junk food. He may not like the idea as much but I think it's pretty darned awesome.