Just tired of it all....

No, I haven't been posting the past few days. Even my therapist got upset at me because I've not been writing.

When you're in a funk, you can't write. You can't do anything but sit and spin your wheels which just causes more frustration over how you're not going anywhere in your life.

I can end up waiting up to six months for someone to do something about my ERO/EEOC claim because that's the law. Even though I now can't work doing the job I had because some idiot decided he wanted to make the rules instead of following the law, I have to wait for the legal process to take its course.

I've applied for so many jobs in the local area I've completely lost count. And have I heard anything back? Nope. Or when I go somewhere thinking I might like to apply and I can already see in their faces the fact that they're not thrilled over my 86-pound constant companion, I don't bother. Besides, I'd rather have her with me everyday than the crap that can happen at most places.

Got news about a family member who's going through some tough times. I want to be able to help and give support but I also don't want to be intrusive. I remember when I was in a somewhat similar situation and the last thing I wanted was pity from anyone and I usually got a lot of unsolicited advice that didn't do me much good. I don't want to be one of those kinds of people.

One of my friends was to get married tomorrow and her fiancé left her today. She and her young daughter who had opened their home and lives to him and his excuse is because his biological son is afraid of having to make new friends when he moves. What a jerk.

I'm trying to help celebrate Youngest Son's upcoming birthday. I went to the movies with Husband, Youngest Son, and four of his friends. They had a great time and I was really glad they could go. I just feel like I wish we could have done more.

Husband and Youngest Son are currently in the basement doing laundry and playing a computer game. I sincerely appreciate that they're doing the laundry because that means I don't have to do it and I don't have to go outside to get to the basement. It's not a "finished" basement like many people have. It has a floor and walls, but there's no way to access it from inside the house. And with the heat the way it is, I'm not in the mood to go outside much.

And, yes, Depressive is trying to get me to post but I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired that it's just been easier to do nothing and sleep instead of trying to come up with something to write and crying while I feel awful.

Maybe I'll get back on a schedule. Maybe I'll stop writing completely. I've already told my therapist that I'm not writing anymore at the moment about my past because I'm getting to big areas that I don't really remember. There are a lot of blank spaces in my memory -- some last days, some last years -- and whatever is hidden inside them I do not want to bring back to the surface. It wouldn't be healing; it would be reopening the wounds that my brain has found a way to deal with that doesn't cause me any additional damage. I remember trying to deal with them and it didn't work then. Time does not heal all wounds.

Watching and waiting

I've been cruising the Facebook pages of some of my friends from where I used to work and it seems like the majority of them have been complaining about the new process to reapply for their jobs. Supposedly it's taking them a long, long time to get through all of the screens of questions they have to answer. Some are also complaining about the difficulty in uploading documents that are required for reapplication. Many are complaining about how the salaries for what they've been doing for so many years is much, much less than they would consider working for today but they're glad their salaries will be grandfathered in when the transition is over.

Me? I'm still waiting to hear about my formal ERO complaint. Still very upset over what happened and that the person who violated my right to work and discriminated against me had the gall to admit it to an ERO counselor. And I've filed complaints with the Department of Justice and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Just trying to cover all of my bases.

But, time will tell. Sooner or later they have to acknowledge the filing of the complaint and they have to do something about it. The ball is in their court now. I'm just going to wait and see if they're going to do the right thing.

This post intentionally left blank

Well....not totally blank. Depressive here! Still writing; still in charge. More issues on the table today, so I'm not really ready for myself to feel any different. Not that I have a choice. But, I don't want to address things going on here right now, so I'm just going to "skip" today. Keeping my promise of posting but just nothing worth reading.

Greetings from Depressive

Hi. I've been around for quite a while but haven't had the opportunity to actually post anything here myself. I've been trying to keep me from being noticed but when things get really hectic or stressful or disappointing, then I just can't stop from showing up to practically ruin it all.

Oh dear. I see you looking at what I'm writing and you've got that weird look on your face. It's the same look that my family gives me when they can't figure out what's going on or when they think I'm just trying to hide something. Usually I am trying to hide something -- myself. I don't like me being here and I don't like it when I come around just out of the blue.
,br> I guess I should explain. If you're a long-time follower of this blog, you already know that I have bi-polar disorder (along with some other absolutely fascinating issues that can cause havoc at any moment). Now, for those who don't understand bi-polar disorder, it was originally called manic-depressive disorder. This is when your brain -- or, rather, my brain -- decides that it wants to do something different for a while without my consent. I can either become extraordinarily hyperactive, hyper-vigilant, hyper-emotional. Just pick a "hyper" and it's on the list. This is my manic phase. This is when Manic appears and keeps me from sleeping for long periods of time (days) or has me obsessing over certain things that need to be done and I can't stop doing them or I end up listening to the rest of the voices up in my head arguing because they've decided that since adrenaline, their favorite drink, is on-tap that they're going to join in the fun.

Manic and I get along well at times but we do have problems when Manic gets OCD a little over-excited instead of its usual state. Then I can be in big trouble.

But today, I'm here. Well, I am always here but the specific "I" that is writing here is Depressive. I am the one that can take any happy moment from extremely ecstatic to morbidly horrifying in seconds. I have the ability to just wander up while I'm hearing good news and start whispering all the things that are either untrue (whether they are or not) about it or about how everything from that moment on will go horribly wrong. And I don't shut-up easily, either. I've been around for ages and I've learned all of my defense mechanisms against me. Even the medications are having problems with me now.

My favorite one was when I was ordered to a psychology group for manic-depressive people and the class leaders said, "If you just think that you're happy, you'll be happy." They repeated that a lot. I raised my hand and asked them how that could be possible especially when I was incredibly suicidal? Was I supposed to be happy about being suicidal or was I supposed to picture rainbows and kittens and cotton candy and hope that the suicidal bit would pass?

They kicked me out of the class. Seriously.

For a while I've been puttering around here reading what's being written and critiquing things. It's one of the things I do. I also keep bad things at the forefront of my mind. The whole ERO issue, for example. Today I got my paperwork that the informal stage is over and I can now file for a formal hearing. However, I keep reminding myself that I (1) only have 14 more days left to do that, (2) that I have no idea how the whole process works, (3) that I could really use a good attorney to help me, (4) that I've been referred to a really good attorney who wants to help me, but (5) the attorney costs $300 per hour that I don't have and that leaves me sitting and staring at the paperwork and going back to #1. And then I start it all over again. See how much fun I am?

I've seen celebrities who have bi-polar talk about their different extremes with cute little names for them. I don't do that. I am a part of me that is the whole me and nothing but the me. Remember, even the voices are mine. There are just too many of them at times to not give them their own grouping.

Well, that's enough about me for now. I have a prior engagement (I think) with PTSD. We hang out together a lot. Of course, I'm glad that I have Celeste who helps me keep myself from overly freaking-out when I get this way. I'll probably be around for quite a while longer because there's so much going on that I have to get involved with and I've not seen my therapist for almost three weeks so the environment is just how I like it. Moody, sad, stressed, and down.

And thanks in advance to anyone who types anything positive about what I've written about myself. But I'm going to be completely honest with you -- it's not going to matter for a while. When I'm here and this far out in front of myself, it takes a lot longer to get me back with the rest of the crowd. And I don't mean to be snappy or make anyone think I'm ignoring them. I just enjoy screwing with my emotions enough so that I don't want to do anything. Well, sleep is always fun. But I only do that when I don't need to be doing it. Like when the medication makes me do it. Or if there's a ton of things I need to get done and I fall-over on the couch or the bed and doze for, oh, say, three or four hours. Tonight I'm going to try to make myself get some sleep because I'm really tired just from being me today. It won't work the way I want it to, but I'll still try.

And....*sigh*....Husband and Youngest Son keep coming in to check and see what I'm doing (occasionally led by Celeste who knows something's wrong). It irritates me because while I appreciate their worry about me very, very much I also don't like it because they have their own things to worry about and I don't need to be getting in the way. Plus I don't like people trying to read over my shoulder when I'm writing or reading something out-loud. And that's not "Depressive" saying that -- that's just me. So I'll go for now, but we'll meet again. Don't know where; don't know when.

Can we say "discrimination?" I thought we could!

*Insert loud screaming in frustration noise here*

Well, I just heard from my Equal Rights counselor regarding my long "quest" to find out why I wasn't reappointed to my job and to try to get it back. I still have another phone call coming from her when she receives the message of whether or not the person she is dealing with has the right to reappoint me or not. At the moment, however, I couldn't give crap one if they try to reappoint me to my old position. There's no way I could possibly stand to work for these people after what I was just told they said about me and my disability!

So, quick rundown before I have to go grab another Xanax. The main Equal Rights Officer I worked with last year to get my reasonable accommodations to have Celeste come to work with me stated that I had proven that I had a disability and with all the letters from therapists, doctors, co-workers, and the trainer of my service dog that I had proven the need and should be allowed to bring her with me. My assistant Cadre Manager signed-off on all of the paperwork and sent me a memo stating how in the future I was to notify her when I was deploying with Celeste and the rules/regulations that I would have to follow for having her in our field offices. Basic stuff, all approved, all signed, and copies (both physical and electronic) are saved for my records.

Then, the counselor contacted my Cadre Manager and his assistant to speak with them on why I wasn't reappointed to my job. He stated that he'd heard my name but didn't know who I was. He also stated that he knew that there were issues last year with me bringing Celeste and problems at the office (which there weren't any from her, just from others who wanted to pet and play with her) and that she was not a "service animal" but was a "comfort dog." Really?? Since when did he become so educated on what constitutes the difference between a SD (service dog) and an ESA (emotional support animal)?? And this is a man I've only ever spoken to once since I started working for him in 2009 because he never returned my emails or phone calls and I always had to go through his assistant.

And speaking of his assistant, she was very quiet throughout the interview. I have her signature approving my request for reasonable accommodation but she told the counselor that all of that was handled at headquarters by the ERO officers.

I was right!! They were discriminating against me when they didn't reappoint me. The Cadre Manager stated that my "comfort dog" would cause a problem and I couldn't be deployed or retained because of it. Also, he said that he had to drastically reduce the number of people he had employed but he only released two people in my section. I guess all of the people who I trained last year will be able to go on to have full employment and success now.

I'm not expecting to get my job back because he said he'd be happy to write a letter of recommendation for me (which was the easy-out option given if they weren't going to keep me) and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want me back anyway now that I know what I know. But, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

I'm shocked. I'm flabbergasted. I can't believe that someone would be so bold to basically state outright that my disability is the reason they didn't keep me -- especially since this is a FEDERAL position and there are FEDERAL laws to protect the disabled.

You can be sure I'll keep things updated as more info comes in. However, for anyone who thought I was just uselessly chasing a dream, I'm not upset and I'm not going to dance around with my tongue sticking out and my fingers in my ears saying "I'm right and you were wrong!" I've always had a tenacity to grab hold of something and see it all the way through to the end, regardless if I'm right or I'm wrong. I'm glad that I have that now because I have proof that I was right this time. And anyone who feels that they've been wronged should be brave enough to stand-up for what they believe in and fight for what is right. I hope I've been a good example.

Now I need to try to relax before I pop a vein in my head. That would kind of make going on to a formal complaint process difficult.

Tired today....

LONG day.... Took Harley to have her yearly "shearing" at the groomer. She grows so much hair during the winter you could almost make enough wigs/toupees for those little hairless dogs. Then they wouldn't get so cold all the time. We also went to our favorite gaming store and sold them a few items for store credit. Just some old books that we didn't like but that their customers will love buying. And the credit can stay there until the next Warhammer 40K tournament or when we need to buy something for someone's birthday, etc.

Also started shopping for a new phone since mine is having battery issues. I first went to a store run by the company with whom I have my service. They said that they don't make stupidphones anymore. I said that I knew he was lying because (1) I'd seen an ad for one and (2) there were some hanging on the wall in the store. He, of course, wanted to show me every smartphone in the place but I told him I wasn't going to pay a bunch more per month for the privilege of having a phone that can do a lot of things I can't afford for it to do nor would I use it for them. I guess I should have also taken a photo (the one "fancy" thing my stupidphone can do) of all of the basic phones we saw at a large electronics retailer in town as well. And if I wanted a smartphone I could get it there for even less than the service company was advertising! But, no, I did not replace my beloved stupidphone.

When Harley's grooming appointment was over, we went to pick her up and I asked the groomer to grind Celeste's nails so that I won't have to clip them for a bit. Celeste was a show dog before she became a service dog but you would have thought that no one had ever touched her feet before when she started trying to escape from the groomer. Fortunately, the lady had a great attitude and just chased her around the grooming table, keeping one paw in her hand at all times, and got it done. Another of the ladies working there asked me if she could know why I have Celeste and when I told her she was thrilled to hear someone else has a service dog for psychiatric issues. I gave her my name and number and the name and number of Celeste's breeder/trainer because the lady and her husband are trying to get a service dog for him to use. I wish them the best of luck because I know that Celeste has helped me more than I could have imagined!

Hopefully tomorrow will be relaxing. I know Husband can use a nice relaxing day after working hard all week. And Youngest Son is now home from school so I'll find plenty of chores/activities for him to complete!

We'll see what happens now....

Today I got a call from an EEO/ERO person regarding my previous "quest" to find out why I'd not been reappointed to my employment position. She asked a lot of questions; I gave a lot of answers; I forwarded a LOT of emails; and she said she'd be making some phone calls and would get back in touch with me.

I have no idea if it's really going to make a difference or not. This has been such a stupid thing that I almost don't care which way it turns out. But, note that I said "almost" in that last sentence. I'm still very proud of the work I did with that agency and believe that I still have/had many years left to help others.

If nothing else, it gives me one more step towards closure. Who knows what will happen?

Just my typical Type-A/OCD self -- have to see it through all the way to the end regardless of the outcome.

Seeing crooked....

Hate it when it's incredibly hot outside. Hate it even more when I don't realize that it's going to be very hot outside and accidentally wear dark-colored clothes which just help absorb the heat that my black car doesn't take from the sun. Fortunately, with Husband driving, I can either crank-up the air conditioning or hang my head out of the window. Celeste doesn't hang her head out the window like other dogs and prefers the air conditioning (and not having to see her "mommy" looking like an idiot).

Today I had to travel across the state again for my eyes. This time I was there for low-vision occupational therapy.

Yeah, I was like you. "How do you do visual occupational therapy?" was the first thing through my head when I heard about it. Actually, they have you try to read a lot of different items in many different sizes, try-out different types of light sources, determine how much functional vision you have, and make more suggestions on how to improve or adapt your current vision to what you need.

Unfortunately, there's not much they can do for me regarding my night blindness and decreased vision when driving. That's just something that I'm going to have to learn to live without even though I prefer being an independent person. Relying on someone to take me places just drives me crazy and I hate having to bum a ride from friends. I'm very thankful that Husband understands what's going on and isn't bothered by taking me places at night (well, not yet at least).

Fortunately with my desktop computer I have a large monitor and it makes it easier to see. When I'm on my laptop, I can increase the print size and make things easier to read. They showed me a special flourescent lamp that has a nice blue-tinted light that is very even and doesn't have a "hot spot" like an old incandescent bulb has. When we tried a regular desk lamp and one of the flourescent lamps, I was able to read much more and even smaller print with the flourescent one. It's not up to 20/20, but it's better. Now I've got to find some to put in the house so that I can enjoy reading my books like I used to. I can still apply for audiobooks through the state's library for the blind, but I hate having to listen to them and not being able to start and stop when I want like I can in a printed book. Some have suggested an E-Reader, but I prefer the feel and smell of a good old-fashioned book.

What surprised me the most today though was how the therapist helped me find a "sweet spot" in my vision. She noticed when I was having difficulty viewing certain items that I would shift it until I could read it more clearly or I would shift my eyes rapidly as if searching for something. I've always had issues with that. I would use my right eye for reading and seeing up close and my left eye for distance viewing. Anything in the middle is a toss-up. The therapist had me look at her face (focusing on the center of her nose) and describe what I could see. I knew she had hair, eyes, a nose, cheekbones, and a mouth. She asked me to describe what I saw and it was all there but blurry. She then pointed at different places along the sides of her face and asked me to focus there and tell her what I saw. There was one place where her eyes disappeared; another where everything was so blurry if I hadn't already seen her I wouldn't be able to tell where some features were.

And then, it happened. She pointed at a spot to the left of her eyes, causing my eyes to shift to the right. Suddenly, not only could I see her face but I could also see the color of her eyes and the darker ring around the outside of her irises which I'd never noticed before. We couldn't pinpoint whether it was my right eye, my left eye, or both working together that made the difference, but just shifting my vision about four inches to the right made things so much better.

She gave me a bunch of worksheets with practice lessons to help train me to look at things "crooked" so that I'm using the "sweet spot" of my vision. She also showed me with a light meter how much I need to be able to see more clearly and we tried different light sources again. The blueish flourescent lamp was the brightest and now I've got to find somewhere that sells them. I want floor models in the living room & bedroom and a desk version I can move about the house and take with me if I'm gone with work or on a trip.

I'll be going back for another session sometime in the near future. I have to look at Youngest Son's schedule for the summer since he wants to get a class out-of-the-way this summer so he won't have to take the class during the school year and free-up a period for something else he wants. But I can tell already that learning to look to the right to see something is a trick that's going to be really hard to teach this old dog to do. Wish me luck!

Busy day makes for tired gal

Today's been busier than I expected. Woke up at 5 a.m. (as usual) and smelled something awful outside when I let the dogs out to go "walkies." Only Celeste came back stinking like she'd rolled on a skunk or something. Had to give her a bath quickly because she was stinking-up the house in record time. Husband went outside to look for whatever it was she got the smell from but there wasn't anything and the smell had left.

So, I crammed her in our small bathtub and tried to get her clean as quickly as I could. Not as easy as it sounds. She's in the process of shedding her winter coat, so there's lots of hair that liked coating the walls, the tub, the floor, me, and the drains. I was finally able to get the stink down to a tolerable level (just barely noticeable if you stick your face into her fur). Then I spent about 30 minutes trying to get all of the hair into the trash and off of everything to which it was sticking. I still have no idea what caused it but I've never wanted to own my own professional dog wash so much as I did this morning! There's one self-serve dog wash table in town but they're not open at 0-Christ-Hundred in the morning. If I had my own, it would be open when I need it!

Then I went to my therapist appointment today. I took her the three page list of things I can and can't do at work and what makes things easier and harder for me to work. She asked if I'd applied for disability benefits. I said I hadn't because I didn't believe I needed them. She held up the list and said that if I had that many things I should have applied years ago. That's something I'll wait and see what happens as I continue to look for answers on why I wasn't rehired from my old job.

Tonight I watched a neat show on PBS called Radioactive Wolves. It's about the wildlife that has returned to the area around Pripyat (outside of Chernobyl) and how the radiation has affected them. Very interesting show. I know it's kind of weird but I've always wanted to go to Pripyat and see the ruins left behind after the 1986 explosion. It's amazing how nature is taking back the area where people lived for so many years and doing so even after all of the damage done.

I then watched a segment on NBC's Rock Center about how Big Box Marts (like Costco) trick people into overspending on items and buying things they never meant to buy before they went into the store. And that's a reason why I don't have a membership card to any of these places. The lure of buying something you've never seen before but just have to have is too strong at times. I don't need 5 pounds of mayonnaise but I guarantee that if the price is right, I know people who will find a reason to make more egg or tuna salad sandwiches than could ever be eaten at one picnic.

Now, I'm tired and I've kept to my rule about posting each day, so I'm gonna relax and probably watch more television. And check the dog. And maybe think about taking her for another bath tomorrow. And making sure I've got something with me before I let them out in the morning to make sure that if there's an animal making the stink that it doesn't anymore.

Still banging my head against the wall

I was hopeful a few days ago when I received a response from one of my elected officials regarding my concerns about why I wasn't reappointed to my old job. They sent me a nice email:

April 18, 2012

Dear [Me],

I have sent the enclosed correspondence about your situation to [Governmental Agency Acronym].The enclosed copy is for your files.

If you have any new, relevant information, please send it to:

Name and address of possibly underpaid staff member
Office of Desperate to be Re-elected Official
Mailing Address to "Local" Office

Or

Fax number that no one uses anymore because of e-mail and the Internet

Please be assured that we are continuing to work on this matter and will contact you as soon as we receive a response. If you have received this message by email, it is not possible to reply by email. Please contact my office by phone, fax, mail or online via webform on our website at webaddress.PLEASE-vote-for-me.gov.

Again, thank you for contacting me. Please do not hesitate to contact me in the future if I can be of further assistance to you on this or any other issue.

Sincerely

Quite odd that if they can send me an email that I can't send another in return. I thought that was how email worked. All these years using the Internet and somehow I missed that.

Anyway, I opened the "enclosed correspondence" to see what it had. Here's what I found:

Dear Sir or Madam,

The purpose of this correspondence is to inquire about non-reappointment of [Me, but with my name in all capital letters].

[Me] contacted [Desperate to be Re-Elected Official] out of concern for this case. Her current mailing address is [none of your business].

Her email address is [also none of your business].

Her date of birth is [REALLY none of your business]. I have attached a signed Privacy Act Release Form for this case. (NOTE: The Privacy Act Release Form had all that info on it, so why waste time in a "letter" repeating it?)

According to [Me], she was recently not reappointed to her [old job title] position after almost 8 years of work without personnel or performance issues. As she has not received an answer from [Governmental Agency Acronym] regarding the specific reason, she believes that it is due to the fact that she has obtained a certified service dog to assist her. I have attached the email she forwarded to our office where she quotes the letter she received from [Governmental Agency Acronym], as well as her signed Privacy Release form. (NOTE: Didn't they already say they'd attached this? Who writes these things??)

I respectfully request that your office give each and every due consideration under the law to the request of the constituent. Please update me by email about the status of this application or the reason for this denial so that I can inform the constituent.

Best regards,

Name of possibly underpaid staff member

So, the letter was off and now all I had to do was sit-back and wait for an answer. My attempts at getting a straight answer from supervisors (and, I thought, friends) didn't work. My attempts at going through the Equal Rights and Equal Employment Offices had met with little fanfare and, as of this date, still no response. Now I was going to get somewhere!

Today, an email arrived from the political official's address. Inside I found:

April 20, 2012

Dear [Me],

I have received the enclosed correspondence from [Governmental Agency Acronym]. The enclosed copy is for your files.

Please feel free to contact me in the future if I can assist you with any other matters of federal concern. If you are receiving this message by email, please note that it is not possible to reply by email. Instead, please contact my office by phone, fax, mail or online via webform at www.I'm-getting-very-desperate-to-be-reelected.Give-me-some-money.gov.

Again, thank you for contacting me. Please do not hesitate to contact me in the future if I can be of further assistance to you on this or any other issue.

Sincerely

Okay, a stock response with a quick flip of the ol' web address where donations are happily received. But, it had only been 2 days! I knew something was fishy. The government never works that fast. Not for regular taxpayers like us, anyway.

So I opened the attached "response" and here's what I saw:

Good Morning [Possibly Underpaid Staff Member],

Thank you for your recent inquiry about [Me]. She is concerned about not being reappointed as a [old job title and acronym for it]. On behalf of the [Actual Name of Governmental Agency and Acronym], the following is what I can share at this time.

March 24, 2012, marked the end of the current appointment period for all [old job acronym]. We were asked to evaluate our current work force needs based on [Governmental Agency Acronym]’s mission. This required making some difficult decisions. Clearly we had people who had contributed to our mission for a long time and were good employees. However, our current and projected staffing needs meant we needed to create a more nimble organization, which required making some very hard choices. At this time, it was determined per the Stafford Act and your Conditions of Employment, to allow [Me]’s appointment to expire. {Me] is free to apply for an appointment within another Cadre.

Once the new [New Job Title] program (what the [old job acronym] program used to be called) is accepting applications, the non-appointed [old job acronym] (your constituent in this case) could apply. The details of this are still being worked out, and we will keep you posted. I hope this helps and let me know if you have any additional questions.

Best regards,

External Affairs Specialist, [Area for which I used to be employed]

Hmmm....something seems familiar. Why, yes! That whole second paragraph was nearly identical to what they'd sent me previously (and you can check my prior posts to verify it)!! They didn't even change the word "your" before "Conditions of Employment" in order to make it read correctly! They completely avoided the reason why I was asking for clarification and simply whipped together the same old spiel they'd been given to placate those who weren't rehired and sent it. And the Desperate to be Re-Elected Official's staff didn't even bother to check that it wasn't an actual response to my actual question before slapping the Official's name on the email and sending it to me.

Oh, sure, it looks "better" with them saying that I can apply when the new program opens. However, those who were reappointed also have to apply and if they're hired, they don't lose their accrued sick days and their pay could go up but cannot go down. Those of us who were not reappointed have to start from scratch, regardless of how much experience we have, and lose all of the sick days we'd saved working over the years. So, technically, someone who had just been hired prior to the "reappointment" period who was retained could be making twice what I made and have no experience but if I get rehired to my "old job" I'd have to start at the bottom of the salary tree again. Yeah...that sounds really fair.

I immediately went to the website of Desperate to be Re-Elected Official and left them a nice message that what I got was a whole lot of nothing that I hadn't already sent copies of to them. And, no, this person will not be receiving my vote in the election -- even though this fiasco had nothing to do with my previous intentions to not vote for them.

Oh well.... I'm still on the hunt for answers. Yeah, I may be just banging my head against the wall, but it's better than sitting and wallowing in self-pity or wondering what I did wrong (which was nothing).

Interesting information intake

Today I sat down, against the protests of some of the voices in my head, and watched a videoconference from the organization with which I used to be employed. I wanted to hear about their new goals for the future and how bright and rosy everything was going to be now that the riff-raff hadn't been reappointed and were no longer employed. Of course, it was easy to listen-in since the government has promised and promised to be more transparent and the video teleconference (VTC) was held on the Internet and not behind a protective firewall.

As all of the participating VTC locations were signing-in, I did see two disabled employees on one of the cameras. One utilizes a wheelchair and one had a service dog with him. This gives me hope that the entire organization wasn't looking for a way to remove those with disabilities in order to be come a "more nimble organization." Now I know that I can just focus on the region which determined that eight years of experience, training, and qualifications weren't enough because I don't know many with disabilities from there that are still employed.

Anyway, I heard a lot of interesting information in this meeting. In a quick summary -- even if you were reappointed to your job, that doesn't mean you still have one after the end of the year. Those who were reappointed were extended until 31 December 2012 but if they don't remember to reapply for the new program (or just decide they don't want to apply for it) then their job is gone. And when they reapply, they do have some preference because they're currently working and are already qualified for the job, but if they don't apply early enough or aren't really qualified enough they might not keep their job. And there are over 3,000 vacancies that they need to fill in addition to the appointed positions that are currently filled. So if a bunch decide they don't want to play by the new rules or don't qualify for their jobs, there will be even more positions available for new people -- or new "old" people, like me -- to take.

I found all of that very, very interesting. For so long I've heard many who were reappointed gloating over the fact that they still have a job and that those of us who weren't must have been lazy, stupid, or any number of other reasons for not being as good as they are. Now to know that they have to reapply for their own job is making many very nervous.

The times, they are a changing. The "good-ol' boy" network won't be around because the people who used to run it won't be in charge anymore. A lot of things that people took for granted have been identified and are being eliminated. Streamlining the program is making a lot of people upset and some have started to say that it's not worth sticking around through the changes. If they're that shallow, let them leave. The job is to help others, not just line your pockets when you feel like being out because of someone else's misfortune.

Will I reapply? Sure. I have nothing to lose. I'll apply for positions I want, though, rather than where they just stick people. That's what happened eight years ago when I first started working with them. I wanted to do one type of job; was told I'd be much more qualified for something else that I really wanted to do; and ended up in a job that I enjoyed but really wasn't as excited about. Maybe this will be the way I'll be able to find my place and use my talents in the best way possible for myself and the people served by the organization.

And, as I said, if I don't get rehired I don't lose anything other than a little time applying for the jobs. I don't have one now so I can't lose something I don't have. I'm still going to advocate for equal employment rights. It's very near and dear to me. And if all of my questioning and investigating keeps me from getting a job, so be it. I'm going to do what I think is right for me for a change and not just what everyone else wants me to do.

Search for answers continues....

Ahhh....just when you thought it was safe to come back to the blog, I'm writing about trying to find out why I didn't keep my job again. Actually, it's not so much about why I didn't keep it. It's more about making sure that the reason for my release wasn't something discriminatory.

Today I resent the email I'd sent last week to the Equal Employment Opportunity (EEO) officer as well as his supervisor, the Equal Rights Officer (ERO), asking for more information and at least a response of some sort since he had marked my previous email as read but I'd not received anything. I also received only one response from my Congressional/Senatorial search for answers and completed the Privacy Act information sheet they requested so they could process my inquiry. Seems odd that one who didn't respond is up for election and lives in the same town in which I live! So much for "hometown concern" this election season.

I did receive a response from the ERO supervisor. I was somewhat surprised until I remembered that if the supervisor receives complaints about employees not completing their duties, they have to do something about it. Well, they don't "have to" I've discovered, but it looks better on their performance appraisals if they do. Here is what I received:

Unfortunately, I cannot provide any specifics with regard to your statements and that received from your cadre leadership. I can tell you that each organization now has an “established force structure” level. Basically, that we will only be allowed a certain number of individuals in any cadre based upon the number that is established for the cadre. My own cadre is going through this same situation. Please let me know if you do not hear from someone by next week.

Not exactly an answer to my question but it does address the fact that all cadres are having to cut-back. I replied with sincere thanks and asked for additional information as it is received regarding my inquiries as to why a simple reason of downsizing or a referral letter couldn't be provided so that those who've lost their jobs will have an easier time finding new ones. I then received the following item from a friend who saw it posted on a social media site:

So, [Assistant Administrator Name] graced us with his presence yesterday, and put on a dog and pony show - gist as follows. 1) DAE's will be assigned to the Region they live in. 2) If that Region is fully staffed, and you are offered a position, it will be as a "surge" type of role. 3) An email will go out in the next 10 days, a package within the next month RE: re-application. 4) We are top-heavy with those in the C3 to E range, so there's gonna be some payroll adjustments. 5) When asked if they are trying to get rid of people, responded "Some people are taking this the wrong way."

"Taking this the wrong way" -- are they serious? How else is someone who has worked for years without any issues (and I'm not just talking about myself) supposed to take not being retained in their job? Yes, it's a temporary job. No, you're not supposed to rely on it for your sole source of income. I didn't. I'm one of the lucky ones that has a spouse who makes enough to pay the bills if I'm not working, but I knew a lot of others that this was the best job they could find and all they had because you're supposed to be able to deploy at a moment's notice but no one else will hire you for a "permanent" job when you're planning to leave any time you're called-up. And when looking at the differences between what new employees were making with this organization and what they could make "in the real world," there's no denying that people would prefer this job over a "typical" one. I, however, did it because I was good at it (and I'm not ashamed to say so) and I knew I was making a difference. And, yes, the money I made helped when there were unexpected medical bills (usually mine and usually caused by the stress of this type of work) or if my family wanted to visit where I was working over the holidays (which helped my morale a lot) or perhaps all of us taking a trip somewhere (which never did happen).

Still no idea how all of this will end and I've been looking for something else that fits my personality and work ability so that I'll have something else to do during the day. I don't feel so much as if I'm beating my head against the wall with this. It's more like trying to figure out a mystery. Who's got the answers and whose buttons can I push just right that might give me some information that someone really didn't want everyone else to know. It's like when I used to be a reporter/editor with the newspaper. There's a juicy story in this somewhere. I've just got to figure out where to dig.

In for a penny, in for a pound

Yup, I'm back on the "crusade for answers" again. Can't help myself. I see and hear others who feel the exact same way I do and there's got to be something, anything that we can get as an explanation so that those of us who've lost our jobs (many after long employments) don't feel like we've been kicked to the curb because we don't fit the ideal of a "nimble organization." And I see others who've kept their positions basically saying "Tough crap!" to those of us unlucky enough to fit in whatever arbitrary mold was used to select the "keepers" from the "losers." Even one person said, "If we want to fire you, we don't need a reason because the regulation says we can release you at any time for no reason whatsoever." That's a nice slap in the face to everyone who loved doing their jobs, did them very well, and enjoyed helping others while spending months away from home, family, and friends in austere conditions and are now basically told to "Get lost!"

What did I do today, you may well be asking. Today I got tired of waiting for the EEO representative to answer my email (he'd marked that he'd read it but I don't know if he really had or not) and no answers at the phone number I was given to contact the same person. So, I figured if I can't go any farther up in the organization, I might as well contact those who help fund the organization and see what they have to say or can find out for me. Yup, I contacted my Congressional Representative and the two Senators from my state. I sent them all the exact same letter explaining what's happened, the responses I've been given, and why I feel that I (and others, though I cannot speak for them) have been treated unfairly by the organization or, if not the organization as a whole, at least by the Region for which we used to work.

Do I expect much to come from this? Not really. Well, the biggest wish would be to watch all of the people who work in the Congressional Liaison Offices going batty because of an employee who has a better understanding of Equal Rights than they thought bringing in the "big guns" but that's not going to happen. They hate it when Congressional inquiries are made on behalf of constituents who feel they've been wronged. And, with it being an election year, many Representatives and Senators will be more willing to help those they represent in the hopes of gaining votes. And since I'm no longer an employee, I have every right to contact whomever I want. I "stayed in my lane" as long as I could. Now I'll do it my way.

Like the title of this post, if I'm going in for a penny I might as well go in for a pound. They've taken their pound of flesh over the years and I knew that they'd never pay back all that I've given. I'm tired of playing it safe and sitting along the sidelines hoping to remain under the radar to keep a job that I love because I could help others in their times of need and would certainly hope that there would be someone there for me if I were in the same position. I'll find a way to continue to help others somewhere down the road. Whether it's with this agency or another remains to be seen. But I'm just not going to sit and "take it" anymore.

Going a little farther on my quest....

After I published my post "Let's see what this gets me...." I received mixed reviews regarding what I had done. Some people said that I was a crusader for those who'd been wronged. Others said I was wasting my time and burning bridges. I don't think of myself as a crusader. I'm trying to get my own answers but if I do find out something that can help others, I'm more than willing to share the information. I'm not overly concerned with burning bridges since I'd worked long hours in hard conditions to make my bridges sturdy and I feel it's my now former employer who came behind me, knocked them town, built them back with gas-soaked logs and then left an open flame nearby.

So, I waited over the weekend for a response from the gentleman I'd emailed in the previously mentioned post. I received nothing. I waited during the day yesterday as I listened to the horrendous noise coming from Stupid Neighbors' driveway (see yesterday's post for more information) and still received nothing. I finally found the name of the person in charge of the entire Equal Rights Office at headquarters and sent her a letter along with a copy of the letter I'd sent to the other ERO officer to see if I could receive any clarification regarding the information I'd received to date as well as to share additional information that I'd been receiving. Within two hours, I received an email from the original ERO officer I'd attempted to contact. Here is what I received (edited for privacy):

I want to assure you that [Federal Agency Acronym Here] provides reasonable accommodations to people with disabilities. I have seen no indication that you received this notification because of your request to have a service animal in the workplace.

My best guidance would be to talk to your Cadre manager about the notification.

Should you wish to request EEO (Equal Employment Opportunity) Counseling, you may contact [Name] here in the Office of Equal Rights for the assignment of an EEO Counselor. [Name] can be reached at [telephone number and email address].

For your information, I am providing you with the EEO Flier, “Your Right to Equal Opportunity.” The Flier explains the EEO Complaint process, and your rights and the time limits for exercising those rights. If you intend to request EEO Counseling, please contact [Name] as soon as possible.

It wasn't quite what I was looking for but it also wasn't the same stock answer I'd received in the past. Now that I was beginning to receive messages from others who had been non-reappointed that also have disabilities and messages from others who knew persons who had been non-reappointed without a clue as to why their years of service would suddenly be stopped, I figured why not try to see this out to the end.

So, I contacted the person that was mentioned in the email I'd received. Here is what I sent (edited for privacy):

I have been referred to you by [Name] due to my suspicion that I and other DAEs who are not being reappointed at this time might be because we have disabilities on-file with our Cadres, Regions, and Headquarters.

I've attached the original email that I sent to [Name] and his reply referring me to you at the bottom of this letter. At the time I originally wrote [Name], I felt that I was the only one who had received a non-reappointment letter and wondered if it was because I now utilize a service dog to assist me to do my work and be able to deploy. I have been contacted by another DAE who also has a disability who was not reappointed to their position as well. This person does not utilize a service animal or adaptive equipment, but we both found it quite odd that after filing our requests for reasonable accommodation, the next reappointment period ending resulted in both of us not retaining our positions after approximately 8 years of service. I have been contacted through social media by others who have suspected or believe the same thing, but they have not confirmed with me any information and I therefore cannot speak for them. I am only addressing this for myself at this time.

[Name] stated in his reply that I should speak with my Cadre manger. He must not have read the paragraphs where I did attempt to contact both [Names and Titles], and was only responded to by [Name] with a "stock answer" paragraph, included in the letter below. When I asked additional questions, I was only given the same paragraph as a response -- implying that I would receive no other information than what had just been given to me.

I understand the "at-will" hiring and retainment process and I understand through 8600.1 that [Federal Agency Acronym Here] does not have to provide a reason for dismissal to DAEs. But with the questions I have raised and the fact that I am in two protected classes (over-40, disabled), I would believe that it would be in the best interest of [Federal Agency Acronym Here] to provide a reason why I would not be reappointed. That's what I was originally looking for because if I attempt to apply for another job and they ask "Why were you released from your previous position?" and I have no answer to give, that usually makes them suspect that I had done something wrong. When every performance evaluation I received was excellent and gave nothing but praise, I find it hard to believe that I did something wrong that wouldn't have been previously addressed with me before deciding to end my employment.

Any information or insight you could provide would be greatly appreciated. I really did not believe after working for so long in the Region and with two different Cadres that always gave me high praise and requested me by name for specific assignments that I would be having to come to ERO for guidance regarding my suspicions of discrimination.

Thank you for your time and attention. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

I have not yet heard anything today, but I have received more messages of support and disgust at my attempts for a simple answer. Even though I'd resubmitted my resumé prior to going on my "quest" (as some have put it), it's never been about getting my job back. If they offered it back to me, I'd have to really consider the terms and conditions before I'd take it. If they didn't offer it to me, I'd have lost nothing else but the time spent looking for answers. If they offered me another position in another Cadre, again I'd really have to consider the terms and conditions before I could consider accepting it.

I'm just trying to save my good name and reputation. After many years working with the same organization, it's unusual when someone is suddenly not retained in that position without good cause. I just want to make sure that there is a good cause and not an attempt to circumvent the law by stating that "a more nimble organization" is desired and those of us who aren't as "nimble" (whatever that means) are now considered worthless. They could have said that "cutbacks were needed, your job performance was excellent and letters of referral would be available upon request." Or they could have been honest and said the negative reasons why someone wasn't being kept so that they could make adjustments in any future employment endeavors. That kind of thing happens in many organizations where these economic times have required valuable employees to be released. Instead, those of us who were not reappointed were basically told that we didn't matter anymore. We weren't "good enough" to be picked to play on the playground with the rest and we weren't "worthy" of a reason why.

I don't know where this next round will lead or if anything will come about because of it. But the small part of me that has spent many years advocating for others has reawakened and has decided that I'm worth advocating for as well. Will this all work? Or will it all just blow-up in my face? I don't know, and I don't care. My self-worth is worth fighting for and I'm tired of people expecting me to just slink away quietly. Now it's my turn to be heard.

Why can't people just do their jobs?

Today the family and I had to make a trip down the highway so that I could look at and test some self-service dog washing tables. I'd really like to open my own self-service dog wash in our town but I don't have the money to open the type of store I want. Plus, I don't want to take out a loan. I already owe the government enough money on a bachelor's degree and most of a master's that I'm not using, so I'd rather not have any additional debt if I can help it. The system I tried was nice but operated too much like a car wash with the timer clicking away at the same speed regardless if you had a teacup poodle or a mastiff. You couldn't judge how much it was going to cost to wash and dry the dog -- and "dry" was only implied. Air came out of the hose but if you expected a dog with short or long hair to be dried you just might as well put all the money in your bank account into the machine first because it was going to take a long time. I'd rather have a self-service dog wash where there are tubs and professional dryers (that work) and the people pay per pound (of the dog, not themselves). Then they're not rushed and making a huge mess and the dogs are actually cleaned and dried well enough you wouldn't be afraid of putting them back into your vehicle if you still had a nice interior. However, self-operating machines like that may be what I'd have to get if I can save/raise the money. But I'd certainly make the pricing a bit more reasonable and fair.

So, after getting Celeste cleaned, we decided we should grab some lunch. We decided to go to The International House of Pancakes (IHOP) because (1) it was close and (2) it's cheap. Plus, the restaurant has carpet which would prevent Celeste from getting greasy or having whatever the last person swept under the table instead of actually cleaning stuck in her newly clean fur. The restaurant was not crowded and we figured it would be a good place to pop in, grab a quick bite, and then head out on other errands before returning home.

I should have known once I walked in the door that it wasn't going to be good. The cashier and the hostess immediately began making "boo-boo" faces and voices at Celeste, trying to get her attention. I ignored what they were doing, in the hopes that they would stop, and told the hostess that there would be three of us eating there today. She asked if we wanted a table or a booth. I said a booth because it's easier for Celeste to hide out-of-the-way and she won't accidentally stick a tail or paw into traffic (which can happen under some very small tables). The hostess looked around and said, "Well, we have a table." I replied, "Then why did you ask me what I wanted if there really is no option?" She looked puzzled and handed a wet towel to a waitress and told her to clean off the table at a booth in one of the sections. We looked around the corner and noticed that she was cleaning off a table that was next to four other booths that were not occupied. I chalked it up to the fact that the other section might not be staffed at that moment or that they've got some weird seating ritual at this particular IHOP and waited.

The waitress came back and said that the table was clean. She looked at us as if she expected us to give her a gold star or something. The hostess said that we were next to be seated (there wasn't anyone else around waiting to be helped). Then the two of them debated over who would take us to our seat. The waitress grabbed the menus and asked us to follow her (like we're going to go somewhere else). As we reached the table, she looked down and said rather loudly, "Oh! I didn't see the dog! I didn't know you had one with you -- I'm allergic to them!" I gave Celeste the command to find her spot under the table and reassured the waitress that she wouldn't be in contact with the dog at any time during our meal. That didn't appease her and she repeated that she was allergic to dogs.

Now, just for clarification, unless the other person is so allergic to dogs that it would send them into anaphylactic shock, typical allergies to a dog (fur, dander, etc.) which does not create a life-threatening situation is not an excuse to prohibit a person with a service dog from entering an establishment. She could whine about it all she wanted, but I was well within my legal rights to have her with me. As she continued to complain I interrupted her and told her that Celeste had just been bathed, would not be moving from the spot in which she was currently laying until I command her to when we're leaving, and that we were staying right where we were to eat. I wasn't rude about it -- I just spoke matter-of-factly and even heard someone from another table comment that I was right.

So, after this our drink orders were taken and we didn't see the waitress again for quite some time. Other people were finally being seated in the same section. I began to watch to see if she was their server as well or if someone else was assigned to those tables and would we receive our items before the newcomers did. After seeing her running back-and-forth between the kitchen and what I assumed to be the supply closet to get disposable cups, she finally brought us our drinks and took our food order. Husband, Youngest Son and I began to secretly place bets on how long it would take two omelets and some pancakes to be made and delivered to us.

When after a while she returned with our food, we looked at it and could tell something was wrong. Husband and Youngest Son touched their pancakes -- cold and hard. Even the scoop of butter they put on the top of them wasn't beginning to melt. My omelet looked done but the cheese on top of it wasn't melted. Youngest Son even touched his eggs and said they were cold. We asked the waitress to return and told her that the food was cold. She said that the plates were hot and couldn't possibly understand how it could be cold. Husband asked her to touch the pancakes, to which she replied, "We're not allowed to touch the food." He stuck his finger into the stack and told her that they were cold all the way through. When she began to argue that they couldn't be cold, I reached over to Youngest Son's plate and picked up his two over-easy eggs and held them up for her to see. No yolk breakage. No heat coming off of them to burn my fingers. If you'd seen them you would have thought they were a practical joke piece.

She took the food back to the kitchen and then returned saying that she'd touched the food when she got back there and it was cold and she didn't know why and that she would tell the manager. She also said that within 10 minutes we'd have fresh, hot food. We did get hot food -- in less than 4 minutes. And it looked as if it was slapped-together just to get it out of the kitchen. Nothing was placed neatly on the plates or cooked the way we asked.

We took the food and started eating because by now we were starving. Others in our section told us that the restaurant had been having issues and they weren't surprised to see us sending food back. The first question that crossed my mind was, "If you know the restaurant is having issues with people sending food back, why are you here?" but I didn't ask it.

As we ate, we tried to stomach what we had and laughed when the pancakes that Husband ordered split apart as if they had been frozen previously and barely reheated. I guess the "International" part of IHOP is imported pancakes because every one was identical, right down to the dark coloring you'd see if they'd been done on a griddle. I've made quite a few pancakes in my time and I've never been able to get them all identical.

We continued to eat and a gentleman walked up behind Husband and asked if things were okay. No name tag. No identification of any kind. Husband asked who he was and when he identified himself as the manager, Husband said he wondered when he was going to show-up to see why we were upset with our meal. The gentleman looked puzzled. He had no idea we were upset. The waitress rushed over and told us that she had told a different manager and apologized to this manager for not making him aware as well and then began to describe all of the previous events to him. He asked if we wanted new plates of food, which we politely declined and explained that we weren't from that town and needed to get back on the road to finish errands and return home and waiting again for new food would put us even further behind schedule.

Husband and I have always joked that we're just cursed to receive bad food and/or service at restaurants. There was a time when Youngest Son was still an infant that we went to the same restaurant three times because they kept inviting us back for free meals after (1) I was poisoned by dishwashing liquid that had been spilled on the fish I ordered and (2) when we came back for the free meal after that incident a bee was found curled-up (and dead) inside a leaf of lettuce in Husband's salad. The manager of that restaurant admitted that they weren't making a better impression on us and was soon replaced. Sometimes we laugh when we're out because a manager will walk by our table and ask us how we're doing but not say anything to other diners. We wonder if they've got big pictures of us up in the kitchen warning them that we've had crap service at other corporate chains and to be on the lookout for us.

The manager said that he would look into what happened and disappeared. We started to eat as fast as we could because we didn't want anything except to get the heck out of there and back on our way. The manager returned and attempted to pick up the ticket that the waitress had laid on the table after bringing the second attempt at our lunch. Husband slapped his hand down upon the ticket and said that we would pay for our food. The manager looked confused and said that he wanted to pay for the meal. Husband said that all we wanted were two things to happen -- Number 1, for the employees to do their jobs and get it right because without customer satisfaction there won't be customers and then they won't have a job; and Number 2, for the employees to be advised on how to properly act around a service dog because they are working dogs and are not to be distracted when doing their jobs. The manager insisted again on paying for our meal, but we weren't going to allow it. We ate the food, so we should pay for the food. That always shocks them because a lot of times they're used to someone just trying to get a free meal. If we couldn't afford the food, we wouldn't be there in the first place. Plus, the bottom of the ticket has the order number and the 1-800-number the corporation wants customers to call to answer a survey and give comments on our visit.

And trust me, we will.

Let's see what this gets me....

I've been trying to be patient about finding out why I wasn't reappointed to my position with a federal government agency. And, yes, I know that "at-will" employees can be hired or fired or can quit at any time for any reason (or no reason at all). But the more I see other friends receiving their reappointment letters -- and a well-deserved "Congratulations!" to them -- it's getting depressing being the only person I know so far who has not had their job renewed. And it makes me continue to wonder why since no one has ever complained about my work. Well, at least not to my face or through channels where something could be done about it.

So, today I took a risk. I'm tired of sitting and waiting for something to happen. I'm tired of always trying to "play it safe" and "keep my cards close to my chest" in matters like this. This might help me at least get an honest answer or it might totally blow-up in my face and ruin any attempt I could ever have at getting another position like the one I had. But I had to do something.

I contacted the Equal Rights Officer with whom I worked last year when I was obtaining Celeste and having issues getting reasonable accommodations for my service dog. I even tried to explain to "the powers-that-be" that having her would help me become more deployable and help me with my work since she would help mitigate any problems my disabilities would present. I never thought trying to get something I'm legally entitled to could be so hard! All of the letter writing and arguing over whether or not someone with no medical experience believed that my prescribed service dog would be helpful to me and appropriate for an office setting. It's not like she's going to do anything other than lay under my desk all day (except when I take her outside for walks).

Here's some of what I sent to him today (edited for privacy):

I've recently received a letter of non-reappointment regarding my [employment title] status. This is confusing to me because I've never in the almost-8 years I've worked for [Federal Agency Acronym Here] received a negative performance review and I am often requested for specific disasters. I have not been available the first part of this year as I have been undergoing ophthalmologic testing due to my inability to have my vision corrected above 20/50 with glasses. I am currently awaiting an appointment with the Low-Vision Center at [name of prestigious university here] so that they can help me find adaptive equipment and techniques so that I can continue to work. After the appointment, I'd planned to make myself available again.

Through friendships on social media sites, I've seen people posting that they've received their letters and so far I am the only one who's posted a non-reappointment notice. I have emailed my (now former) Cadre Manager, [Name], and his assistant, [Name], for additional information and have been given the following response:

[Insert copy of standardized response paragraph previously inserted into other related blog posts regarding "reason for non-reappointment"]

I even emailed [Name] asking if the reason for my non-reappointment was something negative because it would be fruitless for me to apply to another Cadre if there is something negative preventing my reappointment. Again, I was sent an email with only that paragraph in it. I've also seen the new FAQs for the NDRP transition and no new DAEs are being recruited or appointed, which makes the "free to apply for an appointment within another Cadre" statement moot. Additionally, the NDRP program is not currently accepting applications either as they attempt to transfer reappointed DAEs to the new system. However, I have sent my résumé to the IWMO liaison for [formerly employed location] who has stated she will share it with all other regions and HQ in the hopes that perhaps there might be an available slot somewhere.

I don't want to believe that it's because I now have a service dog that I've not been reappointed, but with phrases such as "a more nimble organization" in the paragraph sent to me it raised my suspicions even more.

If there is any information or advice you could provide, I would greatly appreciate it. This has all come as quite a shock to me and many of my (now former) co-workers. I do understand that as a [employment title] I am a temporary, intermittent, "at-will" employee -- but to receive no feedback regarding the reason why I would not be reappointed and to see terminology as mentioned above only makes me feel that [Federal Agency Acronym Here] is not willing to accommodate employees with disabilities. I hope I'm wrong, but that's the message I'm receiving.

Maybe I've shot myself in the foot with this. Maybe I'll just be marked as a "troublemaker" because I won't take "no comment" for an answer. Maybe I'll be a model for other disabled persons who have been indirectly discriminated against. Who knows what will happen.

All I know right now is that I feel better just for having sent the letter. And I've received advice/comments from family/friends on other steps I might be able to take if I still can't get an answer after this. Whether or not I get my job "back" is irrelevant. What's important here is knowing the truth. When you're the only person you know who's not been rehired but you're also the only person you know with a disability, it's hard not to jump to conclusions -- which is why I want the honest answer.

I don't wanna post today!

With everything that's been going on recently, the last thing I want to do right now is sit in front of the computer and try to be witty. I went to my therapy session today and feel like nothing much came out of that. My therapist is stunned that I wasn't reappointed for my job and has the same outlook I have on me finding another job anywhere around here -- grim.

It's easy to look at the job services online listings and other search engines for positions and find things I'm qualified for or would be willing to learn. It's harder to go into the job location to fill-out an application, drop off a resumé or complete an interview with an 85-pound service dog with you that they weren't expecting. You can see it in their eyes. They're trying to figure out why you're there with your "pet" or how you could possibly be able to do any work if you're "that" disabled that you need a service animal, especially when you're not in a wheelchair or showing any visible signs of a disability. And the usual answers of "You're qualified, but not qualified enough," or "You're overqualified for this position" roll off their lips as if they've had their mind made-up all along (which, they probably have).

Today has just been a sucky day and I'm not in the mood to deal with much else. I had an idea for a business I could open that would help me as well as many others in our community, and then found that someone else is already starting one. And even though I know mine would be WAY better and most likely more successful, without the money to start it up, it's just not going to happen.

And now the "voices" are even arguing over which is more negative or depressive because that's what they do when I'm in a funk. It's gonna be a long night.

Non-reappointment not making sense

So, some of you will remember the other day when I posted that my job had ended because I wasn't chosen to have my position reappointed for another two years. In the letter I received, this was the explanation given:

March 24th, 2012 marks the end of the current appointment period. Per the Stafford Act and the Conditions of Employment, you have not been reappointed. However, you are free to apply for an appointment within another Cadre.

I wrote to my (now former) supervisors to request an explanation on why I wouldn't be reappointed, especially since I have almost 8 years with the organization and have never received a negative mark on any performance evaluations. That was on Saturday (March 24th) and I didn't hear anything back until today. Here's what I got:

March 24^th 2012 marked the end of the current appointment period for all DAE’s. We were asked to evaluate our current work force needs based on (insert Governmental Agency Acronym here)'s mission. This required making some difficult decisions. Clearly we had people who had contributed to our mission for a long time and were good employees. However, our current and projected staffing needs meant we needed a more nimble organization, which required making some very hard choices. At this time, it was determined per the Stafford Act and your Conditions of Employment, to allow your appointment to expire. You are free to apply for an appointment within another Cadre.

I asked for the definition of a "more nimble organization" but only received the same paragraph in response.

"More nimble organization" -- what the heck does that mean? It's not like we're in the military having to carry packs of equipment on our backs. Heck, some co-workers I've seen have barely lifted a ream of paper to refill a copy machine. And if they're talking about age, I'm only 41 and most of my dearest friends who work with this organization (for now at least) are much older than I am.

I also asked if I'm qualified to apply for an appointment within another Cadre and received no answer. I then found the following information posted regarding the way all of the new changes are coming about:

Q: How will someone become part of the National Disaster Reservist Program? A: More information on opportunities and the process for obtaining appointments to the NDRP will be forthcoming in the next 60 days.

Q: I understand that there is a hiring freeze of DAEs now, is this true? A: Yes and no. Any person who is not currently employed by (insert Governmental Organization Acronym here), current local hires, and those who are seeking employment as a new DAE are being asked to wait until the NDRP is fully functional. Any Permanent Full-Time, Temporary Full-Time, or CORE employee who is transitioning to become a DAE will have their transition processed so that they do not have a break in service which would impact items such as their health care benefits.

As I read this -- and someone please correct me if I've got it all wrong -- there's a new program that will be called the NDRP. You can't apply for it right now but they might have information on how to obtain an appointment in it within approximately 60 days (this is the government, you know). And if you were a DAE but you're not one now because you weren't reappointed, you can't apply for a new position in a new Cadre because there's a hiring freeze.

This doesn't make sense! If you can't reapply for your job or for a new one in a new Cadre, then why tell us we can?

Now, there is a clause in our Conditions of Employment that says they can release us at any time for any reason because we're temporary intermittent workers. But I smell something fishy here. They talk about the type of "ideal" workforce they need, not simply that they have to reduce the number of employees. And for a number of people, myself included, who might have unavoidable "difficulties" in meeting the "ideal" (I'll let y'all work that definition out for yourselves), this doesn't sound right.

Well, that's all I'm going to say about it for now. I'm waiting on a call from the low-vision center so I can be evaluated for adaptive technologies to help me continue to be able to work, in this job or any other one I might be able to obtain. I've advised them that the rush to get me in isn't as much of a priority at the moment since I'm not in a position to be employed soon but they're still trying to help me speed-up the process. We'll see what happens.

Officially (via post) unemployed.

March 24th, 2012 marks the end of the current appointment period. Per the Stafford Act and the Conditions of Employment, you have not been reappointed. However, you are free to apply for an appointment within another Cadre.

Not exactly the letter I was expecting to receive today, but there you have it. I've worked with the government since 2004 and as a temporary, intermittent employee, they can choose to reappoint or not at will. I thought my work was strong. I have never received a poor performance review. And I have even had people request for me to be on their team(s) because they know about my work ethic and ability to get the job done.

In one sense, I'm not happy. I don't know why the appointment wasn't renewed and I'm not used to having a job and then not having one without another lined-up waiting in the wings (it's actually quite embarrassing). In another sense, it now relieves the stress of what would happen should I be called-out to work in the immediate future before I finish my work with my doctors and therapists regarding my vision issues and how I'll be able to keep working with them. And, by not having to travel cross-country I don't have to worry about trying to get on a plane with Celeste and having issues with other passengers.

True, the job has always been temporary. It's kind of morbid, when you think about it, being the only person watching The Weather Channel and rooting for the hurricane so that there would be work so I could pay my bills. Oh, I'd always temper that with the hopes that no one would be killed or seriously injured. Just enough damages so I could use my skills helping others and making sure there's food on the table back home.

I've emailed my (now former) supervisors for a personal explanation -- just so I'll know whether or not it's worth trying to apply with another Cadre. If they're saying something awful about me that I don't know about, it would be foolish to put them down as a reference and apply with others who have or will hear the same things said. With today being Saturday, I know I probably won't get a response until Monday, if then (since everyone's busy). I hope that they'll be able to give me the information needed and perhaps suggest other Cadre managers that I should speak with regarding applying to work in their units where my education, experience, and talents would be well-suited.

Am I angry? No. Am I happy? No. My feelings at the moment are mixed -- which is not unusual for someone who's bi-polar. It's weird to think that a lot of my friends will continue their careers without me and we won't have those wonderful stories to tell together of the good and bad times we shared. Many of my friends taught me what it was like to work in this field; many of my other friends I helped get started on their way.

If nothing else, I can look back at 8 years of employment with the satisfaction that I did my job. I did it well. People were helped because of me. And even though I didn't always receive a "thank you" or a "kiss my backside" (depending on the situation), I was there and did the best I could. And knowing that my best helped others achieve their best, or at least attempt to get back to "normal" after what was possibly the "worst" time in their life, makes a big difference to me.

Final test result received!

My neuro-opthalmalogist just called with the results of my ERG test I had last Friday. He apologized that he'd not contacted me earlier with the results. He thought that I still had the test to take and not that the results were waiting on his desk (since he runs the lab for the university).

The ERG (Electroretinography) came back normal. All of the little rods and cones in my retinas were firing signals to my brain during the test as they should, with the typical degeneration that would be seen in a 40-year-old patient. And he reviewed the MRI results again and said that there were no signs of strokes, tumors, MS (Multiple Sclerosis), or anything else that he could see that would be causing my optical problems.

I'm very relieved. At least we now know that there's not something incredibly serious and/or possibly life-threatening happening in my brain. The only down side (which he admitted as well) is that we still don't know why I can't see at night, why my vision cannot be corrected with glasses to better than 20/60 (bordering on not being legally able to drive at any time in our state), and why I have headaches so often every month. But the best thing I heard come out of his mouth was this -- that it's not just "all in my head." He believes there's something wrong and believes that I'm not making it up. Finally!!! Someone understands!!!

True, he did mention that all of this could just fix itself with time. That would be wonderful. How much time, though, isn't known. I can't put my life on hold waiting for something to magically happen. He also said that, technically, it could just get worse in time. That's not terribly reassuring either. But, he's got an idea to at least help me cope with it and make the best out of what vision I do have remaining.

He's going to refer me to the university's low-vision center/occupational therapy center. There, I can work with them using what I can do and find adaptive materials/equipment to help me be able to work and continue a "normal" life. Driving may still be an issue, but they can help me with that or at least help me get assistance with my employer for reasonable accommodation. And, with them being part of the same university, any marked changes -- better or worse -- can be noted and directed to my doctor quickly so that he can see me if needed and help us determine a more definite "diagnosis" of what's happening.

But, at least I know it's not something genetic that could pass-down to my sons and I know Husband is feeling much better knowing that there's not a ticking time bomb in my head. He said he always knew that I was crazy, so now knowing that there's nothing else wrong up there is fine with him.

I didn't get all of the answers I wanted, but I got what I needed. And, yes, I may be crazy -- but at least now the "it's-all-in-your-head diagnosis" can be laid to rest.